That’s the motto as the seasons change and the year rolls near its conclusion. While the Instagrams of pumpkin
patches and Christmas tree farms may convince you that you’re supposed to be getting into a relationship soon, why not just warm things up in the bedroom with a friendly face? I’m here to talk to you about the opposite of cuffing season: straight-up sex. From first times and flirty lines, to easy binds, and all of my personal guidelines. Hang onto something, and remember that the safeword is “safeword.” Let us begin.
“A consent line is like a pick-up line that actually gets you somewhere.”
Not everyone has had their first sexual encounter, and that is perfectly fine! There is no best age to lose your virginity. There is however a correct, and incorrect way to obtain consent, which is why I’d like to share a few of my personal favorite consent lines. A consent line is like a pick-up line that actually gets you somewhere. Not to be used out of context, or with someone you’ve just met, (although if that works for you…) these are for when you are hoping to be intimate with a significant other. Movies have this all backwards; they of- ten portray a male lead kissing first and asking questions later. I’d encourage you to flip this scene on its head. (And maybe get some while you’re down there.)
“Hey, can I kiss you?” or “Do you want to make out with me?” helped me a lot when I felt too shy to say anything else and I really really liked the way that this particular girl smelled. “I want us to f*ck,” can get the job done, but even before that, simply ask about your hand placement.
“Is it okay if I put my hand on your…” use your imagination to finish the rest. Remember to always be patient, and when you’re ready to get real playful you can say, “Maybe we should try…” and again, use your imagination. Either way, be grateful, and remember that “please” and “thank you” are the sexiest words in your vocabulary.
Kinky time. I’m seasoned in the threesome experience and can attest that the best three- somes don’t occur out of the blue. A day or two
or even a week of build–up gives everybody something to look forward to. Trust me, nothing aboutthatexperienceisgoingtodisappoint you.
The single biggest bust in a threesome always comes down to sharing. If someone isn’t giving as much as they’re getting, it might be difficult for them to vocalize that. Just one more reason why discussing who will be doing what beforehand can really keep things juicy. (Speaking of juicy, have y’all tried bondage yet?)
In closing, I’d like to leave you with my Zombieland inspired sexual guidelines. Don’t judge, and have fun. We’re here for a good time, not a long one, so don’t waste yours by yucking somebody’s yum. This should have been the first one: consent! Always obtain clear verbal consent, and if possible even written consent. It’s sexy when they say yes! Visit Planned Par- enthood on 17th Ave. for an STI screening every six months, no matter what, or two weeks after having unprotected sex with a new partner. Cause y’all know my motto: safety third.
Alright, well when you’re ready to get cuffed, but not ready to get on Amazon and make that potentially regrettable investment, here is a neat way to repurpose your hammock straps that some of you may love.