1870 Mag

Roasts And Toasts

Wondering which brand™ of avocado toast around campus you should be eating as a millennial? (Or gen-z…who cares we’re all clumped as one ignorant bubble anyways.) Here’s a helpful test! Whichever way you’ve been avocado ~roasted~ by your elders will reveal which kind of avocado toast you should definitely be eating.

“Why the hell would you waste your money on avocado toast? You have houses to buy! Stocks to invest in! Student loans to pay back! Children to have!!!!”

If this comment resonates with you, the elders in your life have probably raised such a financially responsible little nugget. Your avocado toast is nonetheless, Sloopy’s (new!!!) avocado toast. You take advantage of meal plans and never waste your money off campus, and you know that paying for less food that is green is smarter than paying for more food that is greasy. Good for you! Stay strong, young pada-wallet.

“Ugh, millennials ruin every good industry to touch America’s sweet plains of freedom. The diamond industry, Applebee’s, fabric softeners, and Hooter’s, all dying. Oh, but let’s all indulge in AVOCADOS. What the fuck is an avocado.”

If the elders you surround yourself with preach comments like this one, your campus avocado toast is Hangover Easy’s avocado and toast. The restaurant choice alone is anti-chain and empowering hungover deviants everywhere (hey ladies, see you in the Midway bathroom to talk about your Tinder date who ghosted you but is totally staring at you from the bar across the room. That’s just so typical of Chad, amirite?). You’re definitely not ready for marriage, and maybe you never will be because life only happens once as far as we know. You’re going to indulge in a healthy breakfast and a healthy fling to get what we need out of it all. I support you, sis.


“Avocados? What are you from California? This is Ohio, eat a potato and be grateful. Punk.”

If this youth-shaming elder is ringing a bell to you, your avocado toast of choice is none other than Ethyl and Tank’s B.L.A.T (bacon, lettuce, avocado, tomato sandwich). The fat, taste-driven, midwesterner within is calling you. Even if it’s been years since you’ve touched a Big Mac. This sandwich feels healthy simply because it has some avocado in it. Piled with greasy bacon and served with a side of tots, you know who you are. Unlike Hangover Easy’s choice, you only live once and therefore you will eat damn good, even if it kills you. Enjoy your sandwich. It’s amazing, and I’ll be there to push you over the limit and order a round of mimosas on bottle service (yes, they have that!!!). See you at brunch, babe.

“Avocado toast? Oh, I’ve been growing avocados in my garden for years! Good for you! Here, let me show you how to make grandma’s best guacamole.”

No one’s shaming you around here because your elders aren’t assholes. Congratulations. Where can I find some? You probably make your own avocado toast with a classic Kroger avocado and 12-grain honey oat bread. I bet you even buy the $0.99 bag of overly ripened avocados and make brownies or some shit because literally any meal to you can use an avocado somehow. You’re in deep and you’re committed. Better start carrying around a reusable grocery bag and teaching us all a lesson in true adulthood (not millennial-hood), you mature little cutie.

Madi Task


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