Have you ever stopped the cranking wheels of your brain long enough to eavesdrop on a conversation to your left and been severely disappointed in the mental capacity of your collegiate peers? We sure have. That’s why we at 1870 have decided to respond to some of the absurd shit we’ve been hearing lately. Thank you for the material!
“I donʼt know why sheʼs mad at me…I mean I cheated on her but she doesnʼt know that.”
WHY: Who fucking knows
This guy sounds stressed. He’s with his bros, wearing a frat tee (I won’t disclose, you can make guesses for yourself ), and having a beer on a nice spring day. To set the scene, this guy did not sound lost and hopeless. He sounded straight-up annoyed. Like this girl has no reason to be mad at him. My question is if you cheated on her and she doesn’t know it, then what else did you do to make her mad? Watch the next episode of “The Good Place” without her? Fight over the Spotify account from two separate locations? Kill her beta fish that was supposed to be a metaphor for your relationship? I don’t know this woman, but I’m on her side. Not only are you upset that she’s mad without knowing about the cheating, but you are openly talking about the fact that you cheated to three of your friends, unapologetically, IN PUBLIC. And loud enough for someone else to overhear. Do you have any shame?! Whenever this relationship ends, I hope your girlfriend calls us to tell us the grand conclusion.
“Dude…youʼre getting a vodka Sprite? Thatʼs such a little bitch drink.”
WHY: Apparently beer is more manly than hard liquor
In all the areas that toxic masculinity penetrates, I never thought it would affect such a minor thing as someone’s alcohol preference. First of all, I’ve never understood the stigma around men getting mixed drinks over beer. I will personally defend any man that wants to get blacked on vodka crans rather than drinking the carbonated semen concoction that is Natty Light. Another thing that is hard to wrap my head around is gendering certain drinks. Why are vodka crans a basic girl drink? Is it because it’s pink? Is it because it doesn’t come in a can where you can shotgun it to show everyone how huge your penis is? Is it because cranberry juice helps with UTIs? Cranberry juice tastes amazing, and hey men, UTIs don’t just affect women! Another drink that gets the “basic bitch” rep is the amazing Long Island Ice Tea, which contains five different hard liquors. To me, that’s a hell of a lot more “badass” than drinking yeast juice that has a 4.5% alcohol concentration. In any case, let’s stop shaming men for drinking what they want to. Beer is an acquired taste for most, and some people never really get around to enjoying it, but the point is they shouldn’t feel pressured to. So the next time you’re going to shame your male friend for ordering a tequila sunrise, consider that drinking beer doesn’t make your dick any larger, so who gives a damn what you’re drinking?
They want me to work a 40-hour work week! Thatʼs so much! What am I going to do?
WHERE: 14th Ave.
WHEN: May finals
WHY: College students apparently are not prepared for the real world
I’m walking down 14th to snag some S’bux, feeling basic enough already, when I pass this girl who is piling Rubbermaids into the trunk of her car on the street with a phone pressed between her shoulder and her ear. She is venting. About landing a job that is going to give her enough hours to make a comfortable income. As someone who worked five part-time jobs plus an unpaid internship one summer, I was a little taken aback to hear a girl sound shocked that her full-time job expected her to work…well, full-time. For folks who don’t know this and really need to get their shit together soon, 40 hours is the expected American work week. Let me time myself out, though. Perhaps this is a full-time unpaid internship. If so, girl I feel you and I will fight your battle with you because that shit definitely isn’t fair. Or maybe it’s a job that she expected to be less hours, like something in food service or retail where you’re competing with multiple schedules and max out at like 20 hours a week. But if that’s the case, is having a little extra money than you planned really so bad in the summer? Is that not what summers are for when you’re a student? Working your ass off until you can afford two semesters of Saturday nights plus whatever academic necessities loans don’t cover? For readers who don’t have to live this lifestyle, enjoy the summers off while you still have them. Because it kinda sounds like you’re not ready for 40-hour work weeks.