1870 Mag

Other things Ohio State should *DEFINITELY* try to trademark

Ohio State recently filed to trademark the word “The” in relation to the university’s name, i.e. The Ohio State University. The trademark request was, of course, denied. But it did get me thinking: What other things might this university try to trademark?

High Street

Everybody’s favorite home to Target, Chick-Fil-A and *checks notes* three bars is now an Ohio State trademark! This change is felt across the nation as nearly every city has to change the name of their own version of High Street. Thanks, Campus Partners!

Oh and one more thing: If Ohio State ever did get a trademark on “High Street” they would absolutely try for a trademark on “THE Target at Ohio State.”

The Oval

Remember in kindergarten when you were learning shapes? There were squares and circles and rectangles and….. definitely not ovals. Ovals are only at Ohio State. Elementary school curriculum across the nation feels this change the hardest, and a nationwide contest is held to see who can come up with a good name for the shape formerly known as Oval.

Buckeye

Everyone’s favorite fudge delicacy will have to find a new name, as will the nut that falls from trees indigenous to Ohio. Buckeyes are students who attend Ohio State and that 👏 is 👏 it. Anyone who refers to anything else as a Buckeye (without securing ample licensing rights by paying tons of money) will be locked in a dorm room until they understand what they’ve done wrong.

Student-Athlete

It’s seeming like the decision to pay college athletes is closer than ever at the moment, so would it be that big a surprise if Ohio State tried one last effort to continue to make money off this term? I can see it now. All the jerseys that used to be sold blank will now have “Student-Athlete” printed on the back in an effort to remind everyone at your party that the real focus of this institution is on academics.

Block

Try as they might to sanitize High Street and make it less desirable for big parties, it will not work. As long as there’s a case of Natty Light and 6 frat guys wearing visors, Block will live on! Unless, of course, Ohio State decides to trademark the term in an effort to make it seem like we’re all studying? Could you imagine the campus tour guides? “And on Saturdays, students can attend an Ohio State-sanctioned event called Block! Where Ohio State gathers everyone’s grandmother to provide harsh judgment while Chad tries to down his third can of beer in 45 seconds.”

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