By now, I’m sure all of you have heard about Urban Meyer’s restaurant opening up soon in Dublin, but is Urban Meyer really the only Ohio State celebrity that should be expanding into the restaurant business?
As soon as I heard about Meyer’s plans to become a ~restauranteur~ I wondered about all the other famous OSU alum whose restaurants would make Columbus an even better city. The concepts are certainly Michelin star worthy if I do say so myself.
Dr. J’s Diner
An Ohio State ICON, Dr. J’s departure from the University is sad to be sure, but her restaurant would be anything but a sad time. Located right across from campus, her diner would cater to students’ desire for all-day breakfast after a really boring class or too-far night out (Sorry, Waffle House). Whatever the occasion, from a consolation meal after your failed O-Chem midterm, to a cutesy first date with that-guy-you-met-at-a-dance-class-who-has-really-pretty-blue-eyes-and-is-sure-to-either-be-the-love-of-your-life-or-your-most-intense-heartbreak, (this is totally hypothetical and I’m obviously not speaking from experience) Dr. J’s Diner is your place to go! Enjoy a selection of Buckeye pancakes, customizable omelettes, the best home fries in Ohio, and of course…Dr. J’s ALL AROUND! (For Buckeyes living under a rock, it’s a Diet Coke mixed with lemonade.) But the item that will keep bringing you back is the Dr. J Tart made with fresh lemon custard topped with a cola reduction. Yum.
The Best Damn Food Truck in the Land
Band members are so disciplined and so intense, their dedication to music would be perfect for creating a food truck that runs throughout the off-season in order to keep them sharp on their game. Each week, different rows could craft their menus, prep their ingredients, and situate themselves right in between the RPAC and Ohio Stadium to draw customers to that side of campus in the off-season. (And the kids in the towers actually have a reason to live there after football season.) The kicker? Band members will play their best tracks as students swerve to serve you the best damn food on campus (or so they’d call it). And I can guarantee that their menu names would come from the members’ nicknames. Like the Moose Shake, a milkshake with a roll of Canadian bacon slipped into the side, or the Lion Wrap, filled with a hot sauce sure to make you roar. Not to mention, banana splits that have “BEAT BLUE” written in chocolate syrup on the side served year-round.
Support Dog Cafe
Cat Cafe, who? This new dog-friendly cafe is perfect for the doggos who offer unconditional love and support to all of their owners and every passerbyer on Oval beach when they’re let off-leash for a break. It would cater to all human bodies as well as their furry friends who help them thrive. But don’t sleep on all of the doggy treats available for sale and human pastries made fresh in-house. The baristas will whip up some heavy-espresso drinks to get you up in the morning like a brisk morning walk to let the dog out. You’ll even be able to order ahead through campus’s favorite significant other, Tapingo, to grab it on the way to class! Starbucks better watch out. And the university might have to start offering actual mental health resources during finals. Yiiiiike.
R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps Concept
Only English Majors would take the bus down to the Short North to find this hidden speakeasy. Hell, they’d be the only ones who would be able to find it at first since all of Stine’s marketing would happen through cryptic notes posted throughout Denney. The bravest and most intelligent souls would make their way through a hallway engulfed in darkness. Screams, moans, shrieks, and creeping music would guide visitors to their first table. At Stine’s place, you’ll eat what you’re served, no matter the eerie way it’s presented. The vegan, Farm-to-Table food is some of the best you can get in Columbus, but the kicker is that you’ll have to conquer all of your fears to get to it. Don’t worry, the food won’t be the thing giving you nightmares after you leave…