ALL THE PROMISES OF CHANGE YOU HAD THIS YEAR THAT WILL SURELY…STAY THE SAME
Go ahead, make new year’s resolutions. Promise to lose weight. Buy a new pack of colorful pens to go with your *~2020~* planner that you’re definitely going to use. Get all of your homework done the day it’s assigned. No really, I believe you. You got this. I bet your new year definitely won’t end up… Well, exactly like this.
• Purchase some Kendra Scott BS planner. Swear you’ll stick to it and use it every day.
• Visit the RPAC for the first time this school year and discover that it has a HOT TUB and a SAUNA! Surely, you will come back to use it to detox before big assignments and exams this semester.
• Hear a new song at a frat party and decide it will be your house’s anthem this year!
• You and your roommates discuss saving up for an all-inclusive resort for Spring Break!
• Decide to start meal prepping and cutting toxins out of your life; bye-bye, Juul!
• Tell people crazy things like, “Nah man, I can’t come. I have homework due tomorrow!”
• Spend a night Googling dreamy summer internships with your friends. #Goalsetter #YoProLife
• Promise to show yourself more self- love this year. Who needs a sig fig? In this economy?
• This economy was built on capitalizing national holidays, and you just want a f*cking stuffed bunny holding a heart that says, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
• Find out the flirty leather skirt you bought in the fall doesn’t fit. You consider going back to RPAC, but recall how many people were there who could judge you for how perfectly you put the “dumb” in “dumbbell.”
• Attempt to do your homework in between rounds of trivia at Ethyl.
• Work is catching up to you and the only thing that will keep you awake long enough for a night out is…a hit from the Juul you quit last month.
• Think to yourself, “It’s time for spring cleaning!” Despite the fact that it’s still below 50 degrees, and you have an exam next week tomorrow.
• Find a moldy mason jar on the shelf that you forgot about back when you were still meal prepping. You’re sad, because you don’t have the ingredients to make overnight oats anymore.
• Your planner has been empty of all writing for about three weeks, even though you’ve definitely had homework since then.
• Open the list of internships that you were supposed to apply for…whose applications closed at the end of February. Shit.
• A year and a half away is close enough to graduation, right? Skip the homework and go to mug night.
• Spring break has come and you have no plans. Your friends decide a short drive to Cleveland should be fun enough.
• Someone brings up the April Challenge, so you drink every night for the first four days until you decide everyone was just joking about it.
• You learn almost nothing in your classes, but have learned four new drinking games!
• Amidst a stream of tears, your roommates heavily encourage you to ask your professor for more time on an assignment, to which you scream, “I WOULDN’T EVEN GIVE ME MORE TIME!”
• Pull an “all-nighter” in 18th Ave Library to study with a classmate, only to end up ordering pizza, playing hangman on the white board, and shittalking everyone you have in common.
• Bitch out a freshman for saying they like the song you liked back in January, you f*cking trendsetter.
• Cry in your professor’s office hours about said assignment to find they’re surprisingly willing to work with you! (Is this how all professors are…?)
• “Hey, did you hear Scott’s still doing the April Challenge?”
• Make it to finals with a slowly browning backpack, no planner, and a new and blooming knowledge of Google calendars! I bet you will use them in the fall.
• Use the fact that you passed yet another semester as reason to keep all the same habits…next semester.