iProcrastinate

The apps for distracting your ass in class.

Congratulations class of ‘22, you’ve got yourselves a new iPad without doing anything to deserve it at all! Must be nice. I’m sure all of you are going to use it responsibly, solely for academic pursuits and nothing else. This is probably the reason you were chosen to receive such a gift–because they could trust you—which makes so much sense! Trust a group of 18 year olds that have never experienced the world beyond high school, are addicted to social media, and think $50 for an eighth of weed is a reasonable price.

I, on the other hand, see right through you. I know you. I was you. I still kind of am. The only difference is my first phone was a purple flip phone from Samsung. Yours was an iPhone.

I was in high school when Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat and apps in general were just starting to get big. You entered high school at the height of it all. It’s all you’ve known.

So, with that being said and your true intentions exposed, I figured you’re all a lost cause so here’s a list of the best apps for not paying attention in class.

Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, etc.

Getting these out of the way first because none of you need to be told to use them.

Also, Instagram posts are bigger on an iPad screen so you don’t have to strain your eyes anymore. Thank you, Ohio State, for preserving  eyes one iPad at a time. You really do care.

VSCO

This is one of my favorite editing apps. It’s free and comes with a handful of filters upon download. There are also packages of filters that range between $0.99 and $3 that you can purchase in-app. It’s totally worth the money because we all know editing photos is a real-life competition and the more filters we have than Jessica, the better.

You can spend hours testing each filter, adjusting the contrast and testing out what level of brightness gives you the best natural glow, all for that one photo you just know will grab Chad from Phi Psi’s attention.

It also serves as a social media platform you can share your photos on and check other people’s out. Yay! Content!

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Reddit

Stay updated on your favorite content whether it be memes, news, sports shit, whatever. Keep up with the hottest posts on the internet with the most upvotes. Read juicy threads like “what’s your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out,” or “what’s the most humiliating thing your parents caught you doing.” Zone out everything else happening around you because reading about the time some guy’s mom walked in on him licking his TV screen whilst watching Pamela Anderson run in slow motion when he was 12 is more important than whatever pointless GE you’re  in.

Porn

There isn’t really an app for this but your iPad has the internet. Just sit in the back of the class. Also make sure your bluetooth headphones are connected. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. We all do it. Whatever.

GroupMe

Make a groupchat with the people in your class and talk shit the entire time. Don’t share homework and quiz answers though. Unless you want to add another semester to your college career. A substantial chunk of business students learned that the hard way last year.

Candy Crush

Because I fucking dare you to beat my high score.

Any sports app

We’re just guys being dudes out here and the stress of deciding what frat to rush next year is seriously draining. We deserve some time to wind down and catch up on the manly sports news about overpaid athletes that are never satisfied with the amount of money they’re making. Thanks free iPads for totally understanding our problem. That’s fucking ill of you. (Pretending girls dont watch sports made this bit funnier, relax.)•