1870 Mag

How To Stay Awake During BuckeyeThon

Photos by Lexi Ujczo

You did it! You raised the minimum $250 #ForTheKids, and now you’re stocking up on attention-grabbing, generic party store accessories of a single color for the big night. (If you were lucky enough to get into the night shift, or BuckeyeThon at all with the early cutoff this year.) Now comes the hard part: staying awake for 12 hours overnight. How are you gonna do it? Never fear! We at 1870 have crafted a foolproof list of possible options to consider when it comes to keeping those eyes peeled and that heart steeled.

BRING A JUUL

Tobacco products have been banned from Ohio State’s campus since 2014. In an interview with The Lantern in 2016, Dr. Peter Shields, the Deputy Director of Wexner Medical Center, said, “Electronic cigarettes are included in the ban. Actually, it’s any tobacco product.” Since Juuls are a combination of nicotine, flavoring, and other chemicals (none of which include tobacco), our interpretation is that Juuls are immune from enforcing the ban of e-cigarettes. Party away! Take a few hits around 3 a.m. and let your mind fire off synapses like a panicked haunted house goer attempting to carry a flashlight.

BRING A PEPPER GRINDER AND SNIFF IT EVERY HOUR

It sounds insane, we know, but science confirms it. Sniffing peppercorns is a sure-fire way to wake your brain back up when it starts dozing off! Just Google it. The Chicago Tribune says… Oh, wait… Nope, yeah. Nevermind. Sniffing peppercorn helps relieve anxiety when you smoke too much weed, not wake you up when you need too much sleep. Hm. I apologize. Still, you should know.

NEVER LEAVE THE GAGA BALL PIT

Anyone who’s been to BuckeyeThon knows that the gaga ball pit is a never-ending realm of energy and friendly competition. Don’t leave it. All night. it’s like when you’re playing video games or scrolling through TikTok and never check the clock – you don’t realize how long you’ve been doing the same thing for because it requires so much of your attention. If the pit gets empty? Fill up your spare time by storming from group to group shouting, “Who’s next to take on THE BEAST?” Their instincts will kick in and immediately recognize the threat, causing your instincts to kick in and throw your body into survival

BECOME A MORALE DANCE CHAMPION

Similar to gaga ball, exercise brings you energy, so pick the most sweat-inducing activities to keep you up through the night and let the fear of what is essentially a 12-hour audition carry you into dawn. Every hour, (30 minutes even?) there will be a morale dance practice where you learn a new segment of the highly regarded Morale Captain dance. Don’t just learn the dance – perfect it. Sing along with the music. Shout “WOO!” every time you hit that turnaround move like a goddamn ballerina in Paris. If the rapid routine doesn’t keep you awake, the pressure to shmooze and meet your newly adoring fans sure will.

COME WITH A LIST OF THE TOP 5 TIMES YOU F*CKED UP IN YOUR LIFE

Asked out the roommate of the person you met on Hinge instead of your OG date? Decided to change your major halfway through your senior year? Died your hair orange? On purpose? If you’re someone who pushes off their regrettable and emotionally-charged decisions until it’s absolutely necessary to deal with them, let the extra hours of BuckeyeThon be the time to get confrontational with yourself. Write down your list, and then any time you feel tired, take a quick peek and start talking out your trauma with the friend closest in proximity. They’ll feel a heavy responsibility to help you work through it, and you’ll feel cornered until you finally get to the other side. Those thoughts that always keep you up at night? Let them in. •

Madi Task

Madi Task

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