Fam, we need to talk. I know some of you wrote me off when I admitted that I was not a fan of pumpkin-flavored things. As such, in order to ensure I still have some clout with y’all, I decided to swallow (hehe) my pride. I went to the nearest Starbucks and I asked Barista Phil to make me one of each of the seasonal drinks: the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, the Pumpkin Spice Latte, the Salted Caramel Frappuccino, and the Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino. I also made a concoction of my own: a Pumpkin Spice Hot Chocolate. I may have also ordered a few of the seasonal snacks. Before I continue, I want to shout out to my poor boyfriend who was less than amused about being used as a guinea pig for 1870.
As we made our way through all the drinks and snacks, we realized that every item has a very particular personality. And since I’m a basic ass bitch, why not take advantage of Halloween to make this edition of Foul-Mouthed Foodie très spoopy? Without further ado, here’s what seasonal item to order at Starbucks based on your Halloween Costume.
If you did a couples’ costume… Couples costumes are hilarious. My favorite one is the socket and the plug. It’s both so dirty and so fucking dumb. I love it. You should go get a Salted Caramel Frappuccino ‘cause you’re just too disgustingly cute. But also, potentially dirty? Ayeeee *dab* *dab* *dab*
If you dressed up as someone from a film or TV show… I love, love, love this. Looking cool while also celebrating a pop culture icon you stan. Excellent choice, my friend. Reward yourself with a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino because it’s basic, but definitely a step up. You deserve it.
If you went for a classic costume like a witch or Marilyn Monroe… Alright queen, I see you going to the classics. I approve. A little on the safe side, but you’re probably the smartest of us all for picking a costume you can reuse because of its timeless relevancy. Because of this, I award you the arguably highest honor of this list: the pumpkin cream cheese muffin. If you haven’t tried it and are a little disappointed…I forgive you. Go try it and be merry.
If you dressed up as a meme, pun, or otherwise funny costume… I remember once meeting someone who dressed up in all pink and tied a shoe to the top of their head. Get it? They were gum stuck under a shoe. These are probably my favorite kinds of costumes ‘cause they’re always too out there. A+ for creativity. Pair your costume with a Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, the result of Starbucks getting creative with cold brews. You won’t regret it.
If you dressed up as Santa Claus or something hilariously out of season… I have been driving my friends insane blasting Bing Crosby’s White Christmas album these past couple of weeks. Mind you, I absolutely adore Halloween. It’s honestly my favorite holiday. There’s just something about having all these holidays back-to-back that pumps me up and I spend the whole season going back and forth between Halloween and Christmas. May I recommend getting yourself a pumpkin spice hot chocolate? It’s not necessarily an official Starbucks drink but it’s the perfect drink for those in between seasons like me. Wearing an obnoxious Halloween sweater instead of a costume also earns this.
If you dressed up as a sexy version of a toothbrush or something… You know what? I applaud you for the effort. It’s getting kind of cold out, so all the people I see in heels and cute dresses are my heroes. There’s honestly something to be said about a tried-and-true costume choice. Go get yourself a classic pumpkin spice latte! If you’re costume isn’t warm enough, your drink might as well be.
If you put together a last-minute costume… Sigh. Alright, alright. I get it. You weren’t sure if you were going out or not and had to put an outfit together that kind of looks all right. I wasn’t planning on assigning you anything because this is a list for serious Halloweenies, like me. Alas, go get yourself some pumpkin bread and let’s call it even. It’s basically the fruit cakes of Christmas–the easy way out.
If you dressed up in blackface, an ethnicity other than your own or an otherwise inflammatory costume… You’re getting coal. For Halloween. (Or a pumpkin scone because it sucks almost as much as you. Sorry not sorry, Starbucks. You had seven other wins; step up your scone game.)
Halloween’s the best, y’all. I hope your spoopy week was filled with jump scares and ghouls galore. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!