Y’all this is it! I made it! I finally have a column. AND for some crazy ass reason Madi (editor) agreed to let me curse as much as I want. The problem is that now I have to come up with original content. That said, I get to eat as much as I want and get paid for it. I am truly a victim here. Alas, this is my curse to bear (cue world’s tiniest violin).
In this first installment of Foul-Mouthed Foodie, I thought it’d be a fun idea to talk about ice cream. With winter rearing its ugly head soon, it’s time for one last hurrah. What better way to say adiós to summer and all that is good in the world than by enjoying a waffle cone with cold, delicious, creamy goodness. Now, I’m a snob when it comes to ice cream, but I also realize that everyone has different tastes and wants. I guess not everyone can afford to be a fatass. The point is that I did the legwork (not really, I had my boyfriend drive me) so you don’t have to. All the places in this list are Ohio-based and they’re all on High Street. I excluded chains and UDFs, even though one of my best friends swears by their milkshakes.
Best Concept: Get CRMD
I’ve written about this new spot before. I’m truly a fan and you can get awesome Instagram thirst pics in there. Their style truly caters to a millennial audience. It’s very much not a mom-and-pop shop, so if that’s not what you’re interested in, you may want to skip it. My favorite flavor to get is their Viet Coffee. It’s like a gut punch. They recently announced their seasonal “Halloween Sack” flavor, and these assholes are offering a chocolate-based ice cream with Kit-Kats, Reese’s, Snickers, and Crunch bars mixed in. That shit should honestly be illegal. At the time I’m writing this I’m honestly drowning in schoolwork, but I hope to stop by later today and hopefully not die of sugar shock. No promises!
Creamiest: Whit’s Frozen Custard
Y’all. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to swim in pudding? No? Just me? Well… All weird kinks aside, Whit’s is probably my favorite ice cream spot in all of Columbus. The texture of the frozen custard is to DIE for. They have monthly flavors and you can grab your favorites as pints. I don’t think words are enough for me to convey my love for Whit’s. The custard is almost buttery. The softest ice cream I’ve ever had. Even getting a soft serve cone is an experience you’ll never forget.
Best Flavor: Jeni’s Splendid Ice Cream
I don’t think there’s much to say about Jeni’s. At this point it’s a Columbus institution, right? Lately, it seems like their move is to cater to a vegan or dairy-free audience which is pretty neat. They come up with the craziest flavors and they change it up constantly, so you have to keep an eye on their offerings. As we’re moving into winter, their bold, spicy flavors are starting to pop up, (hello, Pumpkin Cake Roll and Sweet Potato with Torched Marshmallow!) and I’m here for it.
Most Traditional: Graeter’s Ice Cream
Okay. I’ll be honest here. I don’t like Graeter’s. I know, I know. I’m a monster. How dare I. I think Graeter’s strength lies in how many flavors they offer, none of which are too experimental, so they won’t scare off any customers simply craving something creamy. It’s honestly frightening how many options you have when visiting it. I think Graeter’s is a great choice if you’re trying to go for a more traditional ice cream experience. None of the other places in this list–perhaps with the exception of Whit’s—offer a mom-and-pop-scoop-shop experience you sometimes crave. It offers all the traditional flavors with a few twists here and there. All-in-all, a classic.
Best Ice-Cream to Get If You Don’t Want an Ass You Can See From Space Like Nicole’s: Simply Rolled
Rolled ice cream is wild. It starts off as a liquid and gets frozen right before your very eyes. It makes for a cool Insta story, tbh. Most of their ingredients are locally sourced and they have custom recipes. Their Matcha ice cream is out of this world. My favorite, though, is Gone Bananas. There’s just something about bananas and Nutella that just does it for me. I think Simply Rolled is cool If you’re looking for a quick bite with a cute presentation. It’s not the most groundbreaking experience for the tongue, as its strength lies in the toppings on the ice cream, but it’s fun!
So go eat your damn ice cream before it gets cold. Be fat, be merry. Huzzah!