1870 Mag

Drunk Zodiac Signs: August

The moons and suns and stars are at play again and…wait, suns and stars are the same thing. Whatever they are, they’re working the wide open outer space again, and they’re controlling all of your thoughts and emotions and heart strings. (Am I understanding the zodiac right?) Whatever it is that astrology means for you, 1870 is here to pair a drink with your fast-approaching destiny. Trust me, you can definitely trust us. Cheers!

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You’re about to be on your own for maybe the first time in your life. Unconditional freedom, no strings attached, but you didn’t get here on your own. Make sure to leave things on the right note with your family, especially after they assuredly help you move your entire life into a box no bigger than Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs (okay, not that small but still). Thank them, hug them, wave as they drive away, and then meet your mates at the nearest pub because by god you’re finally rid of them and the day is young and it’s beer o’clock… for legal-age drinkers.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Independence was the theme for July, and it remains so through August for Aries. Now, you’re external situation matches your internal inclination, and that solitude can take its toll on you really quickly. Sharpen those social skills of yours by introducing yourself to your floor, your R.A., other floors in your dorm, etc. And raise your social currency by offering to pay for the first round of drinks (to be paid later since you’re all underage).

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Your health looks to be taking a hit this month. Compounded with an understandable homesickness, you really have to look out for yourself,which means no underage drinking for you. You can still hang out with your adult buds and have good times, and take advantage of your predicament by offering to be the designated sober friend. Make sure everyone gets home all right. Play the mother, in other words. They may resent you now, but later, when they’re getting their diplomas and standing in those archaic long-ass gowns, they’ll appreciate your looking out for them.

Gemini

(May 22 – June 21)

Extroverted behavior will be rewarded more than usual this month as all the freshmen move in to start the rest of their lives. And, being the sociable type, Geminis should adapt swimmingly to the sea change. (See what I did there?) Befriend a frat or some other group of upperclassmen who have their own house and attend your first college house party (as a college student, at least). Rub shoulders with some new folk, get that genuine college experience, and “lookahead” to when you’ll be able to alcohol-poison yourself legally.

Cancer

(June 22 – July 22)

Everyone gets a little horny in the heat. That’s how it goes. Right? All you Cancers have strong emotions and maybe on the hunt for a cute boy or girl right from the start, but I’m gonna ask you to forsake that instinct for a bit. You have shit to take care of–moving, settling,buying your books, setting up all your OSU accounts, acclimating to your roommates’ weird voodoo shrine, and so and so forth–and you can’t do any of that when all your blood is headed to your loins and diluted from the alcohol you’re definitely not drinking. Chill out, relax, and take in the sunshine. Cuffing Season doesn’t start ’til October anyway.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Lots of freshmen will struggle at the beginning, but not you Leos. You have a ton of self-confidence, social skills, and you don’t sweat under pressure(wouldn’t my crush love you, heh…). You don’t mind leadership responsibilities, and because you’re also sympathetic to others’ plights, you’ll help out the less sure-footed signs in finding their place at OSU. And hopefully they reward you your choice of a non-alcoholic beverage. Because you’re underage.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 23)

Unlike the dutiful Cancers, it’s shaping up that single Virgos will have great success in trying their luck in the romantic sphere. Who will it be, you ask? Cute guy down the hall? Cute girl sitting in the study lounge? A mixed pack of hot-and-bothered 18-year-olds who want nothing more than to see your bare body covered in moonlight? Don’t ask me. Ask them. Out. (Totally not for drinks.)

Libra

(September 24 – October 23)

No need for Red Bull/prescription amphetamines this month, yo. Each passing day increases your energy levels, and you should channel that augmented energy into productive activities. Take a run around campus to get your bearings, build that new computer you’ve been putting off forever, read something longer than a Tweet/online article. The sky’s the limit, and limits are meant to be broken. Except the drinking age limit. Especially not with an ambitious fishbowl or blue motherfucker. What? Who said that?

Scorpio

(October 24 – November 22)

You’re given to bouts of moodiness and your new living situation ain’t gonna help. To combat your inner darkness and outer despair, might I recommend joining some like-minded, thoughtful folk who love to lament and speak of unrequited love and such at Kafe Kerouac on High Street? They have a poetry night every Wednesday, so you can wallow in hopelessness with a variety of fellow wallowers. Some of the poetry’s actually good, believe it or not. Kerouac also offers a bunch of drinks like margaritas and glasses of wine, not that you’re old enough anyway…

Saggitarius

(November 23 – December 21)

So, according to my astrology source,there’s a good chance of a promotion in your future. Since I know that doesn’t mean shit to incoming freshmen, I’ll make up my own. All the sudden, enormous changes have left you frazzled. You forgot your nail clippers, your roommate looks like Morrissey but acts like Morrissey, and your professors aren’t returning your emails. How do we get through this? Drink up, dude. But, like, water or juice or something. Or a White Claw. God those things are refreshing.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You tend to be stubborn and unwilling to accept the views of others. It’s a flaw, but you can turn it into a strength. Consider joining OSU’s speech and debate team so you can test out your rhetorical skills and maybe broaden your horizons on particular points of contention. Suggestion for first debate topic: the drinking age. Over a couple beers.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 19)

Shit, the horoscope’s pulling no punches for you Aquarius: you’re selfish and unbearable and now that you’re in the thick of it, something’s gotta change. Maybe try volunteering to humble yourself and do something to improve your mood, like meditation or exercise. Also, don’t take yourself too seriously. Nothing turns people off more than delusional self-importance. And don’t drink yourself into a stupor, take it easy on that bottle of Fireball. Not that that should be an issue since you’re underage.

Illustrations by Ryan Caskey.

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Nathan Oddi

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