Y’all, Spring Break is upon us and I’m not going to lie -I’ve been on the Spring Break state of mind since December. That’s what spending the first half of the Spring semester in Puerto Rico will do to you. Woe is me, really! But don’t you worry. The overlords over at 1870 are making sure I don’t enjoy myself too much. This edition of Drunk Zodiac Signs is designed so that you can trick your liver into thinking you’re in a tropical island. Salud!
(February 20-March 20)
It has been a rough semester, my friend. That professor rating site did you dirty and now you’re fighting for your life in your class. Say no more, fam. Go get yourself a Painkiller (the cocktail) and forget all your troubles. You’re welcome.
(March 21- April 20)
So, you’ve been late to a few classes and the professor is now giving you dirty looks. Forget about your troubles with a Hurricane. You’ll certainly feel like you’re not in Ohio anymore, Toto.
(April 21-May 21)
You are killing it this month. It seems like the all-nighters have certainly paid off. You are glowing! Go treat yourself to a Mai Tai for a job well done.
(May 22-June 21)
You need to relax, buddy. All these deadlines and no play are making you a dull boy. Why don’t we mix things up a little bit this month and switch out our trusty ol’ Gin & Tonic with a Bird of Paradise cocktail?
(June 22-July 22)
You sly dog, you. It seems like Spring cleared your acne and raised your credit score in one fell swoop. You are feeling yourself and we can all appreciate that. Go shake your thang with a Dirty Monkey.
(July 23-August 22)
Listen to me: one bad grade does not define who you are as a student. You got this! Stop doubting yourself and start appreciating the moments when life knocks you down. While you’re doing that, try a Bahama Mama.
(August 23-September 23)
The procrastination needs to stop, my friend. Honestly, if you don’t get your shit together, your grades will begin to suffer. Before you do that, though, get a Cuba Libre. Then get your shit together!
(September 24-October 23)
Feeling like you’re having a bit of a dry spell? Sometimes the best thing to do is to focus your energy on productive things. That said, it might not be a bad idea to put feelers out there. Why not order a *cough* Sex on the Beach?
(October 24 – November 22)
So maybe asking Brad to take notes for you the week before midterms might not have been your brightest idea. Good news is, the pain of missing that bonus question in the test (which of course would have raised your overall score by a third of a grade) is nothing that a Mojito can’t cure.
(November 23 – December 21)
Sagittarius, this is your year! That class that had you concerned at the beginning of the semester is finally making some sense. Go celebrate your achievements with a Piña Colada!
(December 22-January 20)
You are a mood this month, Capricorn. You don’t have time to suffer any nonsense and your focus is a force to be reckoned with. You’re in it to win it. If you have the time, consider treating yourself to a Bushwhacker. I promise it will taste like sweet victory.
(January 21-February 1)
Spring Break is just around the corner. You just need to push yourself a little bit harder and you’ll reap the wonderful reward of alcohol poisoning. While you’re at it, try a Blue Hawaii.