1870 Mag

Drunk Zodiac Signs: March

It’s that time of year, folks! FAKE SPRING! Yes, that’s right. It’s time for a little rain, a little snow, and a lot of midterm stress. Whether you’re stressing about exams, graduation, or where you’re going to hold your St. Patty’s Day party, we can always count on the planets to…well, orbit? If anything goes wrong, you can probably blame Mercury for STILL BEING IN RETROGRADE.

Watch a dramatic (drunk) reading of your horoscope here!

Pisces

FEBRUARY 20-MARCH 20 | Affectionate, empathetic

The planets foresee a happy month, Pisces. Emphasize self care and you’ll see a nice spike of personal growth. While you are definitely the star this month, don’t forget to keep those family bonds strong. Venus is on your side, so now is the time to make some romantic moves. If you’re single, you may find yourself falling hard and fast. You’re likely to find love in one of your current social circles. Your drink this month is: Chocolate Leprachaun.

How to: Depending on how boozy you want this, mix Irish cream with 7 oz. of milk. Then, add a good helping of chocolate syrup. If you do it right, it should taste like good ol’ chocolate milk…but alcoholic.

Aries

MARCH 21-APRIL 19 | Dynamic, competitive

Get ready to assert yourself, Aries, because now is the time to get things done! The planets are in your favor, so a little hard work will get you to where you want to be. I will warn you, though. It’s gonna go fast, so be prepared for things to take off and take off quickly. Mars and Venus aren’t connected well right now, so your romantic endeavors might need to be put on hold. If you’re thinking of making a move, do it during the first week of March. Your drink this month is: Irish Hammer Shooter.

How to: This is made with equal parts Jack Daniels, Irish Cream, and Irish Mist Whiskey. If you don’t have Irish Mist Whiskey, you can use what whiskey you DO have.

Taurus

APRIL 20-MAY 20 | Dependable, sensual

It’s a bit of a mixed bag for yah, Taurus. Professional and academic issues are popping up all over the place, and right now, all you can do is focus on keeping up. Love is in the air for you this month. You’re feeling extra close with that special someone. If you aren’t currently in a relationship, you’re likely to find some romance while you travel. Your drink this month is: Boozy Lucky Charms Cereal Milkshake.

How to: Start by blending up marshmallows (1 1⁄2 cups). Pour the marshmallows and some milk (2 cups) into a bowl and let sit for 30 minutes. Blend this mixture with 1 tsp. vanilla extract, .75 cup marshmallow vodka, and 4 cups of vanilla ice cream. Top with whipped cream and cereal!

Gemini

MAY 21-JUNE 21 | Versatile, curious

Career is on your mind, Gemini. It’ll take some extra diligence and creativity this month to achieve your goals. Forging ahead is all fine and good, but make sure you remember your manners, bud. Love is a double-edged sword this month. The first week looks sweet, but the rest of March you’re going to have to fight to keep the love alive. Communication is important in every aspect of your life right now. Your drink this month is: Irish Car Bomb.

How to: You’ll start with a Guiness in a glass. Once the foam settles, pour in a shot (1⁄2 Bailey’s and 1⁄2 whiskey). Drink quickly.

Cancer

JUNE 22-JULY 22 | Compassionate, protective

Emotions have to be set aside quite often this month. Your professional goals are front and center for you, so keep a calm composure for a while. Big spending should be put on pause this month, because you’re going to need that extra cash on hand in April. Whether you want to or not, you’re going to have to accept help some this month. You don’t ALWAYS have to be on. Your drink this month is: Irish Coffee.

How to: Pour 1 1⁄2 oz. of whiskey and a teaspoon or two of brown sugar into a mug. Fill the mug up with coffee. Top with whipped cream.

Leo

JULY 23-AUGUST 22| Dramatic, confident

This month is gonna be EVENTFUL, but in a good way. So much is going on! Collaboration is the name of the game, but if that means you get more social time, who cares?! You get to sit back a bit this month. The whirlwind is exciting, but you don’t actually have to do much. Good fortune is coming your way, baby, and love is blooming. Enjoy it. Your drink this month is: Irish Buck.

How to: Fill a glass with 1 1⁄2 oz. of whiskey, 2 oz. of ginger ale, and 1⁄4 oz. of lime juice. Garnish with lime.

Virgo

AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 23 | Loyal, analytical

Balance is important right now, Virgo, especially with your profession and domestic issues. Get that work-life balance in check! It’s also time to put others first. You’re gonna need ‘em. You’re probably feeling a bit overwhelmed with anxiety right now, but just remember that some things are out of control. Love is gonna be steady and sweet this month. Your drink this month is: Misty Mint Cocktail.

How to: Suuuuper simple. Mix 1 oz. green crème de menthe and 1 oz. of white rum.

Libra

SEPTEMBER 24-OCTOBER 23 | Social, fair-minded

It’s been a slow year so far, Libra, but March is gonna drastically speed things up. You’ve got some good things and achievements coming out the wazoo! You will have to make sure that your emotions stay strong and don’t go crazy. Love is coming, but make sure that you present your best self if you wanna keep ‘em. Any love coming your way is gonna be sensual and passionate. Your drink this month is: Shamrock Juice.

How to: Mix a 1⁄2 oz. of gin, white tequila, light rum, and vodka. Then, add 1 oz. of Blue Curacao and ice. Pour 4 ounces of orange juice over top and garnish with a cherry.

Scorpio

OCTOBER 24-NOVEMBER 22 | Passionate, stubborn, resourceful

You’re gonna be pretty introspective this month, Scorpio. Where’s your mind at? Unlike some of the other signs, professional goals aren’t your main focus right now. Other people are completely necessary to find your inner peace this month. You’re going too fast and your emotions are ready to burn out. Keep that anger in check. On the other hand, your love life is calm and harmonious. Take a breather with the one you love. Your drink this month is: Honeydew Martini

How To: 3 oz. of vodka, 1⁄2 oz. of Midori, and 1⁄2 oz. of triple sec make a pretty, green, fully-loaded cocktail.

Sagittarius

NOVEMBER 23-DECEMBER 21 | Optimistic, generous, adventurous

You’re indecisive! You can’t decide. You keep on looking…from left to right. Anyways! Trust others right now to help you with your choices. Your stubborn nature could hold you back. Be careful. You may find love in weird places this month. It will be passionate no matter where it comes from, though. You’re a bit in your head right now, so try not to do anything hasty. Your drink this month is: Irish Flag Shot

How to: This calls for equal parts green crème de menthe, Bailey’s, and Grand Marnier. The real trick is to layer the alcohol perfectly to look like the flag, but if you’re just drinking to drink…

Capricorn

DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 20 | Independent, disciplined

Right off the bat, you’ve got some conflict in your life (specifically with friends and family). This is gonna take up most of your attention this month. Your career options are a bit limited right now, but they should pick back up soon. Take a trip with your significant other! Get away and spend time showing your love. Love is the thing to celebrate right now! Your drink this month is: Irish Margarita

How to: Fill the margarita glasses with ice. Add tequila (4 oz.), curacao (2 oz.), Aperol (1 oz.), peach schnapps (2 oz.), whiskey (1 oz.), lime juice (1 oz.), and pineapple juice (12 oz.) to a shaker. Shake. Pour half into one glass and half into the other.

Aquarius

JANUARY 21-FEBRUARY 19 | Original, uncompromising

I-N-D-E-PENDENCE for you, baby. It’s your time, your choice. You shouldn’t ignore your responsibilities, but it’s definitely a month to treat yourself. Mars and Venus might bring some tension to your love life, both good and bad. It is definitely more romantic than passionate this month, though. If you’re single, you might find yourself falling in love VERY suddenly. Your drink this month is: Fuzzy Leprechaun.

How to: Combine peach schnapps (1 oz.), blue curacao (1 oz.), vodka (1 oz.), orange juice (1⁄2 oz.), and pineapple juice (1⁄2 oz.) into a shaker. Shake. Strain into glass and garnish with orange and cherry.

Cam Deville

Cam Deville

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