1870 Mag

Drunk Zodiac Signs: July

The moons and suns and stars are at play again and…wait, suns and stars are the same thing. Whatever they are, they’re working the wide open outer space again, and they’re controlling all of your thoughts and emotions and heart strings. (Am I understanding the zodiac right?) Whatever it is that astrology means for you, 1870 is here to pair a drink with your fast- approaching destiny. Trust me, you can definitely trust us. Cheers!

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)

If you feel especially lethargic this month, don’t be surprised. Your overall energy level is diminished from its usual amount due to Mercury turning retrograde this month (whatever the hell that means). You’ll have to be proactive in counteracting this diminution, which means staying in less, exercising more, hanging out more, and drinking less. Since you have to limit your drinking this month, make it count with an Irish coffee.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)

Hate to break it to you, Aries, but the month of July is shaping up to be a thorn in your side. You’ll experience setbacks, obstacles, waylays of all sorts from all directions that will aggravate the hell out of you. But you’re persistent–hell, your mantra is “I can overcome”. Stay the course and spite the universe that would have you a whinging mess with a refreshing Damn-the-Weather, served as shaken but bright as you are. No rain can ruin your parade.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)

We’re a third of the way through the summer and you’re starting to get bored hanging out with your friends. It’s not that they’re not interesting or fun, but you’ve fallen into a monotonous routine with them. Shake things up by expanding your social circle: go to an art gallery, a record store, see a show, etc., and mingle with those present. Then invite them out for drinks afterward. Get everyone a Salty Dog and see who makes the best sour face upon drinking it. (I know it’s not sour but you know what I mean.)

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

You’re the planning type, and that’s a good thing. (How is one to build a life without a plan?) But as Rome wasn’t built by one man, you can’t see your plans through alone. Look to others to help you achieve the goals you set out for yourself, especially in areas where you find yourself lacking. Return the favor to them, and then celebrate wise choices with your good friends Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels, and Jim Beam in a Three Wise Men cocktail.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Family relations are fickle enough as it is, but expect issues with the fam (especially your elders) to exacerbate with the cumbersome July heat at full blaze. The best way to get through this trying time is to avoid unpleasant situations like the plague: be the bigger person and walk away. Or, you could stay cool in the wretched summer furnace by challenging your relative to a shotgunning contest with an ice cold Summer Shandy. Imagine how enjoyable it’d be to humble Grandpa, who needs reminding every now and then you’re your own person and can totally kick his ass.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve lapsed a bit when it comes to your spirituality recently, which is affecting you quite negatively. Reconnect with whomever it is you go to for guidance– God, Allah, Vishnu, the Greek gods, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, etc., and pair it with an aptly spiritual cocktail, the Angel Face.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)

We’re all adults here, right? Though many of us still rely on others to take care of us in some way–kicking our asses out of bed in the morning, doing our laundry, buying our groceries, etc. Similar to how the American colonists declared independence from the Brits, this month you will declare independence from those you overly depend on. There’s never been a better time to prove that you can play the game of life solo, and there’s no better drink to symbolize that independence than a Samuel Adams Boston Lager. ‘Merica.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

The stars are out to bless your health this month, specifically in protecting you from serious illnesses. This gives you the license to push your body to its logical extreme, be it in exercising, reading, working, or, for our purposes, drinking. If you’ve been hesitant to try a drink in the past, now’s the perfect time to bet on your body to handle it. Might I recommend Fireball guzzled through a dirty garden hose?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

July’s all about love for Scorpios. Married couples are at a higher risk of getting pregnant, which is great if you’re planning on it; otherwise, consider using a condom or a little coitus interruptus. And bachelors and bachelorettes have a good chance of getting cuffed (the good kind), so venture out beyond your normal bounds of comfortability to meet that special someone. Whether at a bar or a house party, break the ice with a Dos Equis, Natty Light, or whatever you can get your hands on.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

Chances are good that you’re working a job this summer that you don’t particularly like, but don’t let this golden opportunity go to waste. Your co-workers and supervisors have plenty of wisdom to share with you about the personal, professional, and social aspects of life that you’re too green to know about yet, a treasure trove of worthwhile advice that may very well keep you from making grave mistakes. Get to know them over a Long Island Iced Tea.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)

Have you been naughty lately, Capricorn? The crystal ball says you made a bad decision late last year that so far hasn’t come to bite you but it’s opening its chops to devour you as you read this. Forget your impending doom with an Orange Blossom Special, the go-to alcoholic beverage for Ronald Reagan, who didn’t need much help forgetting things.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)

A passion project you’ve been working on by yourself or with others shall give you endless inspiration this month. It will push you through thick and thin and force you to produce your best work yet. Though it may not be finished, share it with others so they can see what you’ve been up to and so you can enjoy their positive affirmations. Have a Piña Colada to reward yourself for your hard work and as a toast to your continuing resolve.

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Nathan Oddi

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