1870 Mag

Drunk Zodiac Signs: June

The moons and suns and stars are at play again and…wait, suns and stars are the same thing. Whatever they are, they’re working the wide open outer space again, and they’re controlling all of your thoughts and emotions and heart strings. (Am I understanding the zodiac right?) Whatever it is that astrology means for you, 1870 is here to pair a drink with your fast-approaching destiny. Trust me, you can definitely trust us. Cheers!

Pisces

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(February 19-March 20)

Reality’s planning to smack you square in the face this month for acting too big for your britches, and he’s keeping his rings on. Get over the wounded pride and aching jaw with an ice-cold Miller High Life, whose June tagline we’ll amend to The Champagne of “Tears” (drink and apply to irritated areas as necessary). Buy Reality one too so he knows there are no hard feelings.

Aries

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(March 21-April 20)

No rest for the weary, silly Aries. The summer’s no time to stop and smell (or eat) the roses. Instead of locking horns with one another, your outside influences–friends and family, specifically–will devote their time to helping you achieve your goals and spread your proverbial wings, and you should thank them by shilling out a bit more coin than usual to buy them a semi-premium bottle of white wine (one bottle per group, obviously) from a Columbus establishment like Tastings. And of course get one for yourself.

Taurus

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(April 21-May 21)

For all my single Tauruses out there, don’t fret. The first week of June will instill you with the charm and wit to attract a mate like moth to a flame. Hopefully you don’t burn them to ashes with your fervor. The only burden on you is you need to get out of the house to test out your suave new skills. Grab a wingman and head to the bars to strike up a conversation with some pretty young thang. Should they ask you to pick out a drink, go with the tried-and-true Gin and Tonic as a totally non-intimidating drink that you can sip on as you compare astrological signs (hope for a compatible sign, like Capricorn, Cancer, Virgo, or Pisces!). 

Gemini

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(May 22-June 21)

Bare your fangs, Geminis: a new moon arrives June 3. You know what else has a new moon in it? Twilight: New Moon. Whether you like it or hate it (or really fucking hate it), celebrate this once-cultural-zeitgeist (ugh) with friends by watching the movie while sipping on Bloody Mary’s to get that authentic sexytipsy vampire experience. You could also bite each other, but maybe discuss it beforehand. 

Cancer

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(June 22-July 22)

It’s likely that a number of your friends are going to move away to greener pastures once the summer ends, Cancer. That makes it all the more important to spend as much time with them as possible before their departure. There’s no better way to bond with your best buds than by shotgunning a few beers (fielder’s choice). Just make sure to aim for the air bubble when you break the can open to avoid hurting yourself (though we both know it’ll explode on you anyway this month).

Leo

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(July 23-August 22)

Sorry to break it to you lions and lionesses, June’s aiming to be a stressful month for fierce felines by way of summer school, jobs, and maybe even your family, to be honest. But don’t fret over your ill omens, for fortune favors the bold, so act it. Try a drink that has intimidated you in the past, like a Tidal Wave at Three’s. Surf’s up. 

Virgo

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(August 23-September 23)

The astrology gods (Is that how this works?) have decided June bodes well for your overall health, but only if you put the time in to improve and maintain that marble sculpt of a body you have. It goes without saying, but you’ll want to take advantage of the fortuitous weather by exercising more, walking instead of driving to places, and being outside as much as possible with the people you can’t get enough of. And through your rigorous health regimen, it stands to reason you’ll get thirsty. Grab yourself a vodka soda with a refreshing lime to continue your efforts to get the best beach bod you can.

Libra

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(September 24-October 23)

Juicy (and possibly very awkward) month for you, single Libras. Cthulhu shook his crystal ball and it read that your desire to enter into a relationship will be realized, but in an unlikely place: a friend. We all feel that passionate urge in our stomach about that one person in our friend group who we just mesh so well and always have good times with. Broach the topic delicately, but see if maybe they feel the same way, and why not do it over a pseudo-romantic-totally-not-a-date date night with red wine and a movie that’s so bad it’s good (à la The Room)?   

Scorpio

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

October 24-November 22)

As a scorpio, you’re given to bottling up your emotions from those around you and are less likely to seek help with issues you’re currently facing. Break the mold this month by opening up a bit more to friends and family about where your thoughts are at the moment, whether they’re focused on the future, your health, your love life, whatever it is. They love you and they want you to succeed, but you need to take the initiative here. To help loosen up the tongue a bit but still keep you in control of your faculties, the Magic 8-Ball recommends a margarita; go the extra yard and flavor it however you want to. (You can thank me later.)

Sagittarius

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(November 23-December 21)

“I know no lady that holds sway over men more than Lady Luck” (I just made that up). Sagittarius, you are the luckiest of all the zodiacs, the envy of your brothers and sisters, the bane of your enemies. And so, your goal this month is to try your luck in some substantial way: ask someone out, bet on a sports game you don’t totally understand the rules for, let friends be in charge of the weekend plans before you make them for the thousandth time, etc. And in the same vein as the luckiest (wink-wink) man in the world, James Bond, the drink for you derring-doers is the Martini, shaken or stirred totally up to you. 

Capricorn

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(December 22-January 20)

Mortality frightens you to the bone, dear Capricorn, but, like a passionate romance destined to end in death, it’s all the more reason to enjoy life while you possess it. Lie outside at night to gander at the stars, those brilliant distant lightning bugs, and, though it pains you to undoubtedly, wake up early to see the sun rise over the eastern horizon. Birth and rebirth, cyclical, unified and beautiful. And fuck excuses: you know what makes you happy: don’t be your own enemy. To desensitize you to a fear of death, take a shot or two of Fireball, because there’s nothing that makes one feel quite so near death as Fireball.

Aquarius

Illustration by Ryan Caskey.

(January 21-February 19)

Congratulations, you beautiful bastards: you graduated! Or got through yet another year of school! Take pride in your accomplishment, because, despite what the haters might say, it serves as a testament to your commitment, tenacity, and resourcefulness, essential qualities for a worthwhile citizen of the world. This is a resting point, though a brief one. Take time to evaluate (and re-evaluate) your career prospects, personal goals, and your strategies on how to achieve those prospects and goals. And gain the energy to do so through imbibing a Coffee Cocktail, a mix of cold coffee, coffee liqueur, vodka, Irish cream liqueur, heavy cream, and crushed coffee beans. Werk.

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Nathan Oddi

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