Cuff ‘Em

Swiping right (or left) on seasonal relationships.

November’s come barreling down on us like the police in a high-speed chase. Red and blue lights flashing, you’re about to get pulled over, and Officer Commitment is behind the wheel.

That’s right, it’s cuffing season folks.

To my great disappointment, when I learned cuffing season had nothing to do with physical handcuffs, I refused to get involved. For those of you that enjoy living under rocks, cuffing season piggybacks on the major holidays of the cold weather season, starting immediately after Halloween and ending with the shattered hearts of Valentine’s Day. Everyone runs around snatching hotties to snuggle on while watching Hallmark films (usually pantsless) in an effort to combat the cold weather blues. Everybody cleans up their acts, the “men are trash” tweets come down, and men say their final goodbyes to their favorite, soon-to-be-fallen hoodies. Unfortunately, the temperature rises and some people realize their hotties aren’t actually so hot—and the way they chew their food is just disgusting. The breakup epidemic comes annually. The cure: liquor, Jeni’s, and a new boo.   

After awhile, you get to wondering—who do we swipe on and why do we put ourselves through it?

I took my questions to the professionals. And by professionals, I mean the horny yet helpful men of Tinder.

Welcome to Cuffing 101, an intro class taught by Serial Swipers.

On Team Long-Term, we found wholesome souls Matt, Bradley, and Ethan. Team Long Term is a group of unusually pleasant college men that would probably buy you hot chocolate and fuzzy socks before they asked for nudes. Team Casual’s enormous roster is being represented by Johnathan, Blake, and Zeke. They’re a mess of shirtless pics, perfectly groomed hair, and clever taglines they probably pulled off Twitter—we know the kind.

What do you think of relationships that last as long as Starbucks’ seasonal menu?

Here’s what the representative from Team Long Term had to say.

Matt: They actually suck. I love the seasonal drinks too, but just because you get tired of pumpkin spice doesn’t mean you should get tired of the guy who’s been buying it for you. They’re expensive.

Team Casual’s Zeke, on the other hand, seems to enjoy variety.

Zeke: I look at it this way: there’s a reason those are seasonal, right? All the time they’d be boring.

What makes you swipe right?

Ethan of Team Long Term keeps his answer genuine and honest.

Ethan: Girls who post a lot of pictures of them smiling, with friends and stuff. [I don’t know]. Girls who get along with a lot of people are usually pretty fun.

I guess technically Blake’s answer is honest, it’s just not as endearing.

Blake: Titties.

Blake: ?*

When do you decide you want to cuff up (and do you use real ones?)

Bradley of Team Long Term says he isn’t afraid to give someone a shot.

Bradley: LOL woah can you ask me that? Is that gonna go in the article?

Me: I mean the readers want to know.

Bradley: When she’s got a good personality honestly. I’m ok with giving people shots. I don’t like girls who follow my location though, that shits weird.

Johnathan is quite literally shooting his shot.

Johnathan: Come find out.

Me: Bruh.

Johnathan: Haha [I don’t know], I’m not really the cuffing type. I have a lot going on with college, work, internships. I’m just not interested in the commitment.

How do you dip out?

Is Ethan Team Long Term or Team Casual with his way of dipping out?

Ethan: Ghosting. I’ve been ghosted too though. If it’s more serious you have the right to talk, but if not I just don’t answer lol.

Zeke of Team Casual does what he knows best; plays it casual.

Zeke: I just tell her I’m seeing other people. It’s not like we’re dating. I’ll still Snap and stuff.

Is there anything you wouldn’t recommend to people trying to get cuffed this season?

Matt of Team Long Term keeps it real… Maybe a little too real.

Matt: Girls who just jump on me ‘cuz they’re desperate, that’s not attractive. It’s still a relationship and I would rather be alone for Christmas then with someone who’s not into me.

Me: Aww that’s sweet.

Matt: Yeah haha so you gotta boyfriend?

Me: Yes, Matt.

Honestly, we can all relate to Team Casual’s Johnathan when it comes to cuffing season.

Johnathan: I would recommend they don’t. It’s not worth the feels when there’s always vodka.