Ah, OSU Crush. A twitterscape filled with longing, lurking, and good ol’ fashioned loving on one another. Sometimes when students feel like they have no one else to turn to for advice, a platform of 21.5K Twitter followers seems like the perfect place to get hard-hitting honesty on some of life’s toughest problems. So what do we do? Grant their wishes! Without further ado, (and without any certification to counsel the youth of today) I present to you, the 1870 Love Doctor.
“Where are the boys who are looking for more than just a hookup?”
1 RT | 65 Likes
I think these guys are at home, which makes it hard to meet them when you’re out. Home invasion is the only solution. Good luck babes.
“How’s a broke guy supposed to pick up a chick nowadays?”
2 RTs | 35 Likes
It’s easy! Steal from the rich to feed the poor, bamboozle the IRS, become a master archer, and chill in the woods with your merriest homies. This strategy has literally never failed.
“I like this guy a lot but I have 0 idea how he feels towards me :/”
I could give you a long-winded explanation of precise body language that dudes will use when they are into someone, but these symptoms all mimic those of cocaine usage, so I feel like you can Google it yourself. Be honest and direct! Ask him if he likes you, ask him to do coke – it’s so simple.
“How do i properly ask a girl if i can suck her toes?”
Treat her to a pedicure, offer her a dozen roses, and hit her with this poem: “Roses are red, cells do mitosis, pretty please m’lady, may I suck your toeses?”
“I’m going on 20 years of life now and have never had a boyfriend. What am I doing wrong? I literally either get friend-zoned or ghosted. Please help me.”
1 RT | 53 Likes
I’m sorry, but if you keep getting ghosted, you need to stop killing your almost- boyfriends, and then they will not come back and haunt you as a ghost. I feel like that’s a pretty simple solution?
“I’m a nervous guy and there’s this girl in one of my classes that’s way out of my league butshouldIgoforitorhowdoIgoabout approaching her”
Tape an apple and a bag of quarters under her chair, then when she sits down, shake it really hard and offer her the goods from under the chair. She can finally pay off her debt to Tom Nook! She is so grateful and you fall in love. You’re welcome.
“Why is it so hard to shoot your shot ??”
1 RT | 21 Likes
I… I can’t decide between a gun control joke or a basketball joke here.
“So, if a girl only texts me after I text her first it’s because she’s not interested…no matter how enthusiastic she seems when we talk or text, correct?”
Try to remember that you’re not entitled to this busy lady’s time! A better indication of interest is how engaged someone seems when you talk face-to-face. If you’re initiating all the conversation, then I recommend backing off and seeing if the other person makes an effort to communicate. Or holding eye contact with her for very long and seeing if she blinks when you do hangout. If you’re dating someone who blinks too quickly, I mean do you really want someone who can’t challenge you?
“Can anybody find me somebody to love?”
4 RT | 37 Likes
Each morning, do you get up and die a little? Can barely stand on your feet? Take a look at yourself in the mirror and idk…cry? We’ve all been there! Your Queen is out there, just be patient.
“What’s the best and easiest way to meet my wife? Be specific guys please. Talk to me like I’m 5 years old.”
1 RT | 46 Likes
To meet wife, you must leave house.