Alright, here’s the deal. I’m about to spit some serious truth. *Trigger warning* this may offend some people. And by ‘some people,’ I mean people with zero common sense and taste buds that evolved slower than the rest of the human population’s.
If you’re looking at yourself right now and thinking, ‘I may be one of those people,’ you probably already know what I’m going to say.
So, without any further ado…
Mimosas are better than Bloody Mary’s. And here’s why.
The most common mimosa contains orange juice, the OG mixer—which is a classic and delicious—but I’m a Gemini and I get bored easily. Note that the cocktail description says citrus juice, not solely orange juice. You have free reign. Classic orange, blood orange, grapefruit (white or red ruby), mandarin (clementine, tangerine, tangerine, limeade, lemonade, you name it). You can even get a little crazy and go for juice that ISN’T citrus like pineapple and mango. Against the rules? Maybe. Do we care? Nah.
Onto the champagne. Champagne is sparkling wine, but not all sparkling wine is champagne. Therefore, more options. You want dry? Try an extra brut champagne. You want light and floral? Try a sparkling rosé. You want sweet? Try a demi-sec champagne.
Bloody Mary’s on the other hand, you get two options: spicy or not spicy. Vodka? Doesn’t matter what kind you use. It tastes the same.
“If you like olives you’re insane, and if you want to eat celery at 10 a.m.—the average time in which one drinks a Bloody Mary—you’re also insane.”
Bloody Mary’s also have about 500 ingredients. According to Martha Stewart, Bloody Mary mix is comprised of tomato juice, fresh lemon juice, fresh lime juice, grated and peeled horseradish, worcestershire sauce, tabasco, celery salt, garlic powder, black pepper, and pickle juice?? I know what you’re thinking. “Just buy premade Bloody Mary mix!” And to that I say: I actually respect myself.
Mimosas can have any fruit as a garnish. Typically it’s an orange slice and maybe some strawberries, which is fantastic because I can either throw them in my drink or eat them. Bloody Mary’s are traditionally garnished with olives and a stalk of celery. Here’s the problem with that: if you like olives you’re insane, and if you want to eat celery at 10 a.m.—the average time in which one drinks a Bloody Mary—you’re also insane.
So, there you have it. It may be painful to hear, but sometimes the truth hurts. I truly hope I have swayed you off the forsaken path of Bloody Mary’s and onto the enlightened path of mimosas. If I have failed to do so, you’re probably a lost cause anyways.
Whether it’s the first drink entering your pure, sober body or the desperate, damage-controlling gulp after a pedal-to-the-medal night, it’s gotta be a bloody.
Specifically though, I’d like to take this time to discuss the power of a Bloody Mary in the latter circumstance: a hangover. The only way to surf the four year-long bender that is undergrad is to have the guts for a hair of the dog, AKA a good dose of morning-after alcohol.
And when you’re really trying to kick that rum and Coke hangover so you can continue being a piece of shit and body slamming coffee tables later on, you can’t count on something as weak as juice and sparkling wine!
You gotta fight liquor with liquor.
I’m not going to sit here and defend vodka because it objectively tastes like shit but when paired with the unmistakable punch of tomato juice, spices, and salty garnishes, one morning cocktails will have your cold sweat-covered face grinning and your shaky hands reaching for another.
“And when you’re really trying to kick that rum and Coke hangover so you can continue being a piece of shit and body slamming coffee tables later on, you can’t count on something as weak as juice and sparkling wine!”
You may still be rocking the ponytail your roommate had to do for you last night and your Insta story may be bad enough to completely destroy any chance of you ever landing a job when you graduate, but damn if you don’t feel great!
And is there really any other way to mull over the completely inappropriate, highly offensive, extraordinary embarrassing spectacle you made of yourself last night than by chewing on a tom-soaked celery stick?
So in conclusion, if you think your glorified juice stands a chance against this badass liquor hangover I’m sporting right now, you’re tripping….and falling on the sidewalk like I was last night.