Extreme Self-Defense Hat
This is a seemingly normal plain black ball cap is fitted with a small pocket of ultra-dense material in the back. When confronted by an attacker, just grab the bill and start swinging! This thing packs a hell of a secret wallop, and best of all, you probably won’t kill anyone using it. Just $18.99 from TrueSwords.com.
Lipstick Pepper Spray
Pepper spray has long been a staple of campus defense, but sometimes it can be difficult to have it ready when the time for action comes. This little number looks just like a lipstick and can nestle discreetly in your palm or get lost in that giant obnoxious purse you’re always carrying. Just make sure you’re paying attention when you freshen up your makeup after a few drinks. Available in an array of colors for just $11.69 from WomenOnGuard.com.
Cold Steel Honey Comb Hairbrush
This thing is the definition of bitchin’, and could do some very real damage in the right hands. Though it appears to be a simple black hairbrush at first glance, a small twist reveals a 3” blade hiding inside. Despite the knife’s name, it’s only made from hard plastic, but that doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous. The product description specifically notes its effectiveness when using “Ice Pick Grip.” Currently sold out at $16.49 on Overstock.com.
Smart Phone Stun Gun
This is maybe the most practical item on this list—a small stun gun disguised as a modern smart phone. The resemblance really is uncanny, and it uses a small pin to be operational, so that if it wrestled away from you it won’t work for your attacker. You can now walk down those dark, desolate streets pretending to be on your phone and trying really, really hard not to zap your own brain. Pick up the SAMSTUN (yes, really) from DefenseDevices.com for just $26.95!
Bottle Opener Knuckle Duster
This tiny, two-fingered version of traditional brass knuckles is lightweight, easily concealed, AND it can crack open a case of High Life with just a twist of the wrist. If you are the runt of your fraternity, keeping one of these handy can make you a BMOC real quick. A steal for just $6.95 at DefenseDevices.com!
Monkey Fist Key Chain
This is a pretty straightforward defense item, just a 1” steel ball tightly wrapped in a length of heavy-duty cord. Simply carry it on your keys and when the time comes, whip this baby out and start your best primate attack dance. Readily available in a variety of colors for just $12.99 from (where else?) MonkeyArmor.com.
Pepper Spray Gun
This is a giant step up from your conventional pepper spray—a full size hand gun-style device that deploys small rounds that explode on contact, causing all the traditional effects of regular spray on your attacker. The product description says it is accurate up to 150+ feet, about 15 times that of traditional spray, but it will set you back $349.99 for the gun, plus accessories. It will also fire tear gas rounds though, so there’s that. Pick one up from SaltSupply.com.
Smith and Wesson Tactical Penlight
This little 6” monster features a 10 lumen flashlight on one end and a fucking scary looking sharp stake-like tip on the other, perfect for fending off those pesky campus vampires and purse thieves. In all actuality, this would be a versatile tool for anyone because it can be used to break glass in case of emergency, or just to stab the brains out of anyone who spooked you. Get it now from BatteryJunction.com for just $16.95.
Strobe Light Pepper Spray Gun
This device combines the traditional attack-thwarting nature of the previously discussed pepper spray gun with a disorienting strobe light feature AND an invisible UV dye built in to the spray to help police identify your attacker after you’ve defeated them in epic battle. Unfortunately it’s available for just $49.99 from DicksSportingGoods.com where it currently has a one-star rating, so it may not live up to the hype.
Blackthorn Shillelagh Fighting Stick Cane
When all else fails, go with the weapon that has been used in traditional Irish and Leprechaun fights for hundreds of year, the shillelagh. The model available at TrueSwords.com for $39.99 is made of polypropylene for extra durability but made to look like the classic Blackthorn wood of old. Because when it really comes down to it, no weapon is more effective in hand-to-hand combat than a big fucking stick.