1870 Mag

The Pretentious Vegetarian: The Best Meat Alternatives

couple years ago, the vegans took America by storm, pushing their cruelty free agenda and ruining the lives of the once most pretentious dieters in the nation: the vegetarians. Since the one time PETA poured blood on strangers to knock the newly established raw diet out of the running and keep the vegetarians at the top of the most obnoxious dietary habits, the vegetarians have fallen flat on coming up with a way to take down the vegans and reclaim their pompous reputation once and for all.

That time has come to an end.

This column is dedicated to the pretentious vegetarians who got their spot at the top of every commoner’s shit list ripped away by vegans and are desperately trying to reclaim it while still eating cheese.

And thus we begin this column with good places for meat alternatives—also known as a way you can try experimenting with straying away from meat without your conservative family members hating you.

Best Burger

Eden Burger

Once you accept the fact that you will also be getting a $9 milkshake and maybe some $4 fries to top off your $15+ all vegan meal, buckle the fuck up for the best veggie burger you will ever have in your entire life. It’s called Eden Burger, and if you think for one minute that you can get away with feeling ‘green’ in a restaurant of your inferior meat-lovers, then you came to the wrong place. Eden Burger is all sustainable, vegan (which really just means it’s also vegetarian because the vegans don’t control us) and, a bit pricey, but worth every damn penny.

Even though there is limited seating inside Eden Burger, you won’t really give a shit after you bite into one of these fall-apart, melt-in-your-mouth, what-the-fuck-all-is-in this beautiful veggie burger. This probably means you’ll have to eat your burger in the comfort of your Prius because you were just too impatient to get your ass home to devour it.

Also, the milkshakes make you truly wonder if it was Kelis’ milkshakes that brought all the boys to the yard or if she bought them all from Eden Burger. 

Best Tofu

Melt Bar & Grille

Photo provided by Melt.

Straight out of Cleveland, Melt took the bar classic buffalo wings and vegetarianized the hell out of it. They are called tofu wings.

We vegetarians are truly honored to be included in the group of people Melt feels are worthy of having heart problems teetering diabetes while shitting themselves endlessly to consequently decide it’s all worth it the next morning.

On to the taste: if you like regular wings, try having sex. If you like having sex, try these tofu wings. Crisp, hot and gives you an excuse to eat an irrational amount of ranch dressing, these wings are everything you ask for. PLUS, they look nothing like regular wings—or any other kind of meat for that matter—giving you the perfect excuse to turn to your neighbor chowing down on the Korean War Pig and tell them it tastes “just like chicken”; otherwise known as the trigger statement for all meat lovers. Be careful though, because the reason it might taste just like chicken is because it is rumored that the tofu is fried in the same oil as the meat. Yikes. Luckily, there is also a plethora of alcohol offered at Melt for you to sanitize your stomach before pretending like you didn’t just read the last sentence.

Best Falafel

Brassica

Brassica might seem like another fast casual spot in the Short North but, heck, they fry up a mean falafel.

You always know the falafel is fresh because it’s usually a short wait when you get there and you are in a continuous state of waiting for a $12.26 salad that you already paid for whilst meat eaters shimmy around you to engage in the ruthless murder of already dead animals and promote a culture of flatulent cows that ruin the environment.

But on to the taste: the falafel at Brassica is uniform with everything else that you could possibly get from Brassica, in that it makes you question whether or not free alcohol is the best thing in the world. While many places in Columbus that offer falafel fall short on spice, flavor or crispy-ness, Brassica nails all three. The outside is fried just enough to keep you from unbuttoning your pants at the table, but not after deeply considering it. While I prefer a little more spice in my falafel, the mix of spices makes for an incredibly flavorful bite, making you question whether this is truly made out of ‘chickpeas and other stuff’ as you read about when you Googled ‘what the fuck is falafel’ in the five minutes you stood waiting for it. In short, the falafel (and everything else at Brassica, but mostly the falafel) is worth the long wait.

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

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