1870 Mag

The Polar Vortex is Coming to Ruin Everything

The future predicting weather scientists (Meteorologists) have announced that this week will be Ohio’s first taste of brutal, unending cold that lasts far longer than any other season, sticks to your bones and doesn’t leave until you are broken and miserable.

The “Polar Vortex” (which sounds like a King’s Island ride) will drop temperatures into the single digits, with a high on Thursday to be 25 degrees below the average.

What is a Polar Vortex? It’s an extremely cold air mass that moves from the Arctic. Generally they stay where they should (away from us) but certain weather patterns pull pieces of the vortex down south.

So what should you do to get ready? Stock up on some rock salt, your preferred choice of hard liquor, make sure you’ve got your pajamas ready and hunker down like a hairy dog because as my favorite fictional Phil says:

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