1870 Mag

The Great Escape: STAYAWAYS!

Sometimes all the tourist bull shit can blindly lead you into wasting money on a trip to a place that you wouldn’t even send your worst enemy to. If you are looking at a getaway this summer, stay the hell away from these spots!

Orlando

Olivia Balcerzak

Everyone shits themselves about going to Orlando, Florida as it is the host of Harry Potter World and the “happiest place on Earth.” Cool, but everything else about it is shit and here is why:

You spend all of your time in traffic.

If you don’t spend all of your time in traffic, you spend all your time in a car that spends all its time in traffic or in a bus that spends all its time in traffic and is now mad at you because you decided to go to the same two damn places as everyone else causing them to spend all of their time in traffic.

Everyone you meet that is over the age of 30 tells you that Orlando is not what it used to be and it is probably your fault.

Lizards.

If you eat a normal sized meal from Se7en Bites, you will be  shitting for about the first three days of vacation.

The children have caught on to Harry Potter World and are now wearing capes they don’t deserve for houses they never read about or took the right Pottermore quiz to make sure they are correctly sorted. It’s disrespectful, honestly.

Your grandma lives within a 50 mile radius of this place and expects you to visit her.

Disney is not as magical as it was when you were a kid and you’ll realize that as soon as some little shit whose parents bought them the $90 fast pass ditches you when you’ve been stealing one-ply toilet paper from public restrooms for the past five months to save up for one regular person ticket to the revival of your childhood.

Myrtle Beach

Regina Fox

Ladies, if you want to go to the beach and wear anything besides a hazmat suit, avoid Myrtle Beach. It doesn’t matter what you look like, when you washed your hair last, or if your RBF is cranked to 11, you will be cat-called to no end. You’ll be minding your own damn business, just trying to make your way down Ocean Blvd to the beach when countless men—I mean one right after the other—will lean out of their not-so-pimped-out Civics to objectify you.

Not sure what it is about Myrtle Beach that attracts such males—maybe because it’s warm, the flights are cheap, and hotels are reasonable, or because that’s where the International Douche Convention is held—but they flock by the dozens, nay, hundreds.

And sometimes, if the douche convention lets out early, they’ll come harass you up close and personal like. Again, you’ll be minding your own damn business when some skinny dude in floral swim trunks will plop his pimply-ass down on your beach blanket. Does simply being a woman give them an open invitation to hang? So, you’ll be offish in hopes he gets the hint to bounce but they don’t teach them how to read body language at the douche convention. He’ll persist and persist until you’re forced to ask him to leave. He’ll get dickly with you and you’ll just end up leaving the beach entirely to get out of the situation he put you in. Then you’ll get cat called all the way home.

It’s not Myrtle Beach’s fault it sucks, it’s just 90% of the people there.

1870 Staff

1870 Staff

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