1870 Mag
1870 Magazine | Your OSU Campus Guide to Adulting. 5 Things Your RA Wants You to Know

SATIRE: Shots At Bullwinkles Now Come With A Complimentary Adult

After three straight weekends watching freshmen throw up on themselves inside the bathroom while peeing on their friend who promised to move so they could go in the same stall despite the huge selection, a local favorite to the bar scene, Bullwinkles, decided it was time to take action.

“Winter break is when a lot of kids ID’s come in,” bouncer Jared said. “Who has time to return to their home state of Illinois during the school year to get their 22-year-old ID made?”

In response to their growing concern, Bullwinkles has started providing a complimentary parent with each bomb shot between the hours of 12 and 2 a.m. 

“Adding an adult to our sales have actually done nothing to the price of a bomb,” Jared said. “Many are parents who request to be a part of the sale to help out the youth or older gentlemen who claim that watching these kids ‘keeps them young'”

The duties and responsibilities of each parent include: following the student to the remainder of their bar crawl until they go to sleep, acting as a unimpeded cock block and force feeding water to them baby bird style. If the adults feel these qualifications do not meet their pay of $0, they can opt for just telling each kid that ‘you shouldn’t drink as much’ with an hourly head shake, by-hourly finger wave and end-of-the-night hug.

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

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A certain F-Row trombone boy: Wish I would have talked to you more throughout the season.
-A certain marching band girl.

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