1870 Mag

SATIRE: Rogue Group of Professors Gather Post-Exam to Release Grades at 2 a.m.

Ten Ohio State professors walk into a bar…

After a stressful season of exams, 10 Ohio State professors were seen out at Chumley’s, chalice in one hand and student’s fate in another. As the group got progressively more intoxicated, it became blatantly obvious that the group was up to no good.

“I used to think announcing there wasn’t a curve was the most satisfying part of exams, then we started the 2 a.m. tradition and—man—that’s just a whole different world,” a professor of mechanical engineering said.

The group said they started this tradition as a way of posting grades in a safe space, away from students who would inevitably email them immediately after grade releases telling them it was unfair.

“It first started as a way of avoiding an influx of emails until the morning, but then we realized: students will email us anyways, they’ll just do it drunkenly so we have an even greater excuse to not bump their grades,” a professor of mathematics said. “It’s not like we’re trying to ruin their night, really, we’re just trying to avoid having to defend a fucking scantron.”

They also said they have benefited greatly from making a drinking game out of emails received. 

“We take 1 shot for every 5 misspelled words in an email and 2 shots for every insulting subject line like “you’re a dumb bitch,”‘ a professor of psychology said. “If we get a drunk call from a student then that’s game over, we’re all getting blacked.”

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

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Not the guy with a girlfriend who kept hitting on my last night

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not the girl in connecting grounds who saw me walking toward an empty table, looked at me, and decided to sprint there to get it before me

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Not the girl who cheated in econ4310

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All the Muslims on campus

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any jeff goldblum stans

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