1870 Mag

SATIRE: Hungry Freshmen Await Salt on Ohio State Sidewalks to Season Dry, Tasteless Campus Food

T’is the season to season.

After a day of letting students slip and slide through the roads and sidewalks, Ohio State intends to throw a little salt on the street and sidewalk so remaining open during a blizzard is still a reasonable option.

And the only people more excited about this than commuters are the freshmen, who intend to finally have a natural remedy for their bland campus food. 

“Being a [whispers and looks around to make sure no one is watching] freshman, it is hard to have access to a car to go to the grocery store or anything like that,” first-year in astronomy, Alec Reed said. “I’m always happy when they salt the roads because the crystals are big enough to account for the bland flavor of the chicken and the taste of dirt on the sidewalk.”

While there is salt readily available at all dining halls, some say it is not enough.

“The salt is not even seasoned; it tastes just as bland as the food,” Reed’s roommate, Brian Carson said. 

A source living on the sixth floor of Smith Steeb claimed that, despite Reed and Carson’s claim, the two are the only roommates they know of who actually collect and use the salt.

“I don’t want all freshmen to have the reputation of being weird,” first-year in business, Ashlee Barnard said. “Really, they are the only ones who go out and collect salt, we see them every morning after a snow, it’s super embarrassing. Also I fell on my ass this morning because of them.”

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

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