1870 Mag

SATIRE: In Face of Tide-POD Eating Challenge, Baby Boomers Reflect on The Days of Traditional Drugs

The millennials are back on their bull shit and baby boomers gotta throw in their two cents.

As the trend of eating Tide POD’s has inevitably been circulating through every high school in America, affecting lives of innocent teenagers who just want to do laundry and be high, baby boomers reflect on what drugs used to be.

“Back in my day,” “late 30’s” year-old Sydney Ashler said. “We used to get drugs the traditional way– by sleeping with the dealer after marriage.”

Now, Ashler said, “those damn kids” have been poisoning the drug business by using non-conventional methods of getting a high. 

“It’s just not right, I can’t even do laundry without thinking of the huge disappointment generation X has been to society,” Ashler said. 

There to agree with her was her neighbor-from-across-the-street, Bob Rosen (54) who also weighed in on his opinion during the interview with Ashler just because he was a guest at the backyard barbecue and felt like he could. 

“Ya know, we really gotta watch out for the millennials and everything that came after them,” Rosen said. “I love my grandchildren, but I also love laundry and I don’t think I should have to choose between the two.”

Rosen reflected on how he was unable to do his laundry for his (whoopsie) 3-year-old granddaughter’s 2-week visit, as he was scared the PODs would be too enticing.

“Yeah, she’s only 3, but every kid has an iPhone now-a-days and can see this kind of shit roaming the internet,” Rosen said, wearing the same pair of cargo shorts he has worn for 5 weeks after meticulously hiding the Tide PODs in various sections of the house and losing them. 

Rosen specified that his granddaughter does not own an iPhone or electronic devise of any kind.

Still, he stands by his advice for kids to get into traditional, safer drugs like they used to back in the day.

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

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