1870 Mag

SATIRE: A Totally Real, Not-At-All-Made-Up Q&A with Brutus Buckeye, Campus’ Best Socialite

Brutus took a break from his busy life of dancing on the sidelines at athletic events and harassing students on campus to sit down with us for a Q&A. This is totally real. We definitely didn’t make anything up. (we are lying. this is totally made up.)

Brutus, how do you feel about climate change?

*Brutus bangs his head, seemingly in anger.*

So… Climate change is bad?

*Brutus stops banging his head, folds his arms, seemingly triumphantly.*

Great! It’s awesome to have a campus socialite that is so focused on real societal issues!

*Brutus’ agent pulls him aside and whispers into his ear* (at least, I think it’s his ear. His head doesn’t really have ‘ears,’ so to speak.)

*Brutus returns, this time with a dance crew. He counts off the dancers and they begin a fairly elaborate dance to the tune of The Middle by Zedd.*  (This seems like an extremely elaborate distraction from talking about climate change.)

…right. So,what’s your favorite thing to do on campus? Is it pranking students? Or patrolling the sidelines at football ga

*Brutus jumps up excitedly and does two cartwheels. He puts his hands in the air and nods. Then, he conjures up a football, seemingly from nowhere. He begins to toss it in the air and motions toward me to start a game of catch. It is pretty clear that Brutus loves football more than anything on campus.*

What do you think about the current political landscape in America?

*Brutus looks back at me. Although his face doesn’t change emotion, I somehow sense that there is an intense stare, as if asking ‘why the fuck would you ask Brutus this question?’ Beyond that, he does not react. Brutus’ life is about football, not politics*

Well, that’s all the time we have! Thanks for stopping by, Brutus!

*Head bangs approvingly.*

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Cute woman who also likes women. So hard to find a girlfriend 🙁

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The guy on the end of painted kids in Block o north. I know you have a girlfriend, but I’d gladly wreck your home

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Anyone who can make me not want to call my ex at 1am every night

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So sorry to the boy I slept with last night….turns out I have strep throat #whoopsies

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