1870 Mag

How To Pick Up A Nice Southern Husband At The Cotton Bowl

A nice midwestern boy is just so 2016.

Much to many Buckeye’s dismay, Ohio State will not have the chance to get slaughtered by Clemson and have since been diverted to the south for the good ‘ol Cotton Bowl. Lucky for Buckeye fans, we can join our southern, conservative counterparts for a fun yee-haw time. While we’re in Texas, however, might as well take advantage of your one chance to meet a true southern gentleman to be your husband and not hookup for the night because he doesn’t believe in abortions and if you get pregnant you’re a shit out of luck. Here are five ways to do that which are completely not based on stereotypes or things mentioned in country songs. 

  1. Wear cowboy boots, not because they’re southern but because cowboy boots look good.
  2. Braid your hair, not because it’s the typical sign of southernness but because braids are confusing and will draw a man in.
  3. Compliment someone’s mom, not because all southern men love moms but because moms need confidence. 
  4. Dance, preferably in a line.
  5. Mention America in a couple of sentences and your love for our President Donald Trump to practice your satire
  6. Find a large dog and carry it around with you
  7. Also, bring some string and flannel 
  8. Come in a truck 
  9. Greet with “howdy” 
  10. Only stand near a sunset
Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

Comments

OSU Crush's Twitter avatar

OSU Crush
@OSUCrush

Sam Rocco. I regret SO much not getting to know you better or ask you out last year. Coffee when I get back this fall?

OSU Crush's Twitter avatar

OSU Crush
@OSUCrush

The guy who ran shirtless down Hudson the other day. When’s the next show?

OSU Crush's Twitter avatar

OSU Crush
@OSUCrush

Julie Cohen holy ever loving shit are you single????????? Very friggin interested here

OSU Crush's Twitter avatar

OSU Crush
@OSUCrush

Not me for being a junior and STILL not having gone to an OSU game (damn you ticket prices)

OSU Crush's Twitter avatar

OSU Crush
@OSUCrush

Bars on high, you cured my depression by replacing it with alcoholism

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