1870 Mag

How To Pick Up A Nice Southern Husband At The Cotton Bowl

A nice midwestern boy is just so 2016.

Much to many Buckeye’s dismay, Ohio State will not have the chance to get slaughtered by Clemson and have since been diverted to the south for the good ‘ol Cotton Bowl. Lucky for Buckeye fans, we can join our southern, conservative counterparts for a fun yee-haw time. While we’re in Texas, however, might as well take advantage of your one chance to meet a true southern gentleman to be your husband and not hookup for the night because he doesn’t believe in abortions and if you get pregnant you’re a shit out of luck. Here are five ways to do that which are completely not based on stereotypes or things mentioned in country songs. 

  1. Wear cowboy boots, not because they’re southern but because cowboy boots look good.
  2. Braid your hair, not because it’s the typical sign of southernness but because braids are confusing and will draw a man in.
  3. Compliment someone’s mom, not because all southern men love moms but because moms need confidence. 
  4. Dance, preferably in a line.
  5. Mention America in a couple of sentences and your love for our President Donald Trump to practice your satire
  6. Find a large dog and carry it around with you
  7. Also, bring some string and flannel 
  8. Come in a truck 
  9. Greet with “howdy” 
  10. Only stand near a sunset
Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can’t I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

Comments

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OSU Crush
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Anyone else who wants to see the committee utterly embarrased by their selection of Alabama in the CFP

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OSU Crush
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Any guy who wants to actually begin a relationship and not play with my feelings

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OSU Crush
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.@bmwauthor you sexy motherfucker

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OSU Crush
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Any guy who wears Bird Dogs

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OSU Crush
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Nikki Vehar

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