1870 Mag

Mother’s Day was Yesterday? Yikes!

A long, long time ago your mother was glowing as she cradled her large belly full of a sweet innocent baby that was you, completely unaware that it would grow up to be the unemployed piece of shit that you are today. Sad! Fortunately, there is a universal “sorry I’m a failure, glad you still do my laundry at age 30,” holiday where you give your mom a weird candle and tell her it’s “her day” letting her choose the activities for the day at the short expense of your fathers wallet.

But you’re a little shit and forgot about the one damn holiday a year that you can be an appreciative little shit.

You’re an adult and may even have kids of your own, why should you still celebrate Mother’s Day? Because there was a time in your life when that same woman continuously washed 15 pounds of cum off of your damn G.I. motherfucking Joe bed-sheets while you were busy jacking off to sad middle school thoughts and not giving a shit about anyone else’s feelings, Jeremy.

Well here are some excuses for still forgetting about it.


  1. I thought I should celebrate you every day because you are so great!


  1. Mom, you’re so amazing, you should get your own holiday, don’t conform!


  1. I wanted to make sure your gift was just right, so I took some extra time for it.


  1. I have been planning a surprise party for you.


  1. Mother’s Day has actually been moved to today, Mom, there was a delay for bad weather.


Whatever you do, do not blame it on being busy because we all know your lazy ass isn’t doing anything productive today.



Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here


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