A long, long time ago your mother was glowing as she cradled her large belly full of a sweet innocent baby that was you, completely unaware that it would grow up to be the unemployed piece of shit that you are today. Sad! Fortunately, there is a universal “sorry I’m a failure, glad you still do my laundry at age 30,” holiday where you give your mom a weird candle and tell her it’s “her day” letting her choose the activities for the day at the short expense of your fathers wallet.
But you’re a little shit and forgot about the one damn holiday a year that you can be an appreciative little shit.
You’re an adult and may even have kids of your own, why should you still celebrate Mother’s Day? Because there was a time in your life when that same woman continuously washed 15 pounds of cum off of your damn G.I. motherfucking Joe bed-sheets while you were busy jacking off to sad middle school thoughts and not giving a shit about anyone else’s feelings, Jeremy.
Well here are some excuses for still forgetting about it.
- I thought I should celebrate you every day because you are so great!
- Mom, you’re so amazing, you should get your own holiday, don’t conform!
- I wanted to make sure your gift was just right, so I took some extra time for it.
- I have been planning a surprise party for you.
- Mother’s Day has actually been moved to today, Mom, there was a delay for bad weather.
Whatever you do, do not blame it on being busy because we all know your lazy ass isn’t doing anything productive today.