There are plenty of shitty people in the world but they don’t share their secrets because they are either: a.) trying to be shitty to you without you knowing; b.) don’t want any more assholes in the world; or c.) running our country as president. On the bright side, we can get paid to tell you how to properly be shitty and, in an effort to make America effectively shitty again dammit we will do it.
Here are some quick tips to being shitty.
Forget someone’s name?
- Use ‘dude’ ‘bud’ or if you want to get real crafty, ‘pal’ in a non-formal setting or ‘this woman/this man/this gentleman/this lady’ in a formal setting to refer to them and do the same for everyone else around you so it looks normal. If you know someone who has not met them, ask them to introduce themselves so you can catch their name again. Another trick is asking them for their name, but after they respond with their first, you quickly respond with, “No, not your first name! Your last name!”
- Don’t refer to them at all costs
Forgot someone’s name and you have to write it down somewhere?
- Ask how to spell it but if you know that it is a common name say it sarcastically. Hopefully they’ll get that you are joking but answer you back jokingly too.
- Ask how to spell their last name and fill out whatever you need to using the proper pronoun (Ms., Mr., Miss.) with their last name. Next, look them up on your phone by their last name and any information you know about them at all.
- Say your handwriting is shit and have them write it.
Forget to get someone’s gift for their birthday?
- Do a quick Google search of plays/performances in the nearby area and order tickets. You don’t even have to order the tickets yet to tell them that you bought them tickets, just figure out a real show coming to Columbus and make sure that the tickets will not sell out by the time you get to buying them. Also don’t pick a random ass play and decide it’s coming to Columbus—looking at you, my sister’s ex-boyfriend.
- If you really fucked up and forgot, tell them that you heard there will be a lot of great performances in Columbus coming up this season and you thought that you two could look for a show you wanted to see together and then you can buy them.
Forgot an event of a dear friend and get a text about it during?
- Rush the fuck on over there and tell them you got backed up with shit you had to do for your parent/sibling/friend. That, or traffic. Traffic always works. Just blame 71.
- If it involved a gift, either quickly stop at a gas station and get a gift card or say you left it in another jacket pocket or something like that.
Already agreed to hangout with someone but now deciding that’s something you really don’t want to fucking do?
- Change plans to getting coffee and find a coffee shop that closes earlier in the day. Push the time you were supposed to hangout until an hour before that time and pretend like you had no idea that they were closing early.