Expanding horizons while satisfying stomachs
As the phoenix of 2017 rises from the putrescent ashes of 2016, we turn our thoughts, as at the beginning of every New Year, to improving our lives, not making the same mistakes.
If you, like so many other students, spent all of last year on or near the Ohio State campus, perhaps now is the time to take out that sweet Buck ID bus pass and hightail it to the other side of town. This month, let’s take a ride to German Village and eat some dank Columbus cuisine.
Schmidt’s Sausage Haus
Here lies a quaint, historically Teutonic paradise of brick buildings, brick streets, brick-colored sweaters, and perhaps, somewhere, sandwiches filled with brick.
Schmidt’s, however, specializes in sausage, namely bratwurst, knockwurst, and their signature Bahama Mama, all served buffet style, to oompah band accompaniment in an adorable (brick) building on East Kossuth Street.
After you’ve consumed several feet of sausage and a few steins of beer, chase it all down with a massive and delicious cream puff, before returning home to sleep for days, sated preposterously by this grand and decadent repast.
If you’re feeling more like having a simple, perfect sandwich than traipsing into a hallucinogenic phantasmagoria of sausage consumption, turn, if you will, to Katzinger’s, Columbus’s premiere Jewish-style delicatessen.
At the door are artisanal breads, fine cheeses, the world’s best wines and beers, and chocolates…skip these. March directly to the cash register and ask the kind attendant for a knish and a Cel-Ray, even if you don’t know what those things are. Grab a (free) pickle from the (free) pickle bucket. Maybe grab a (614) Magazine from the stack near the window. Relax. People-watch.
When you’ve washed down the last bite of mashed-potato-and-caramelized-onion-filled pastry with the last swig of your celery seed flavored soda pop, you’ll still be hungry. Get pastrami on rye—sure you can afford it. Sell some plasma or something. Heal yourself with the pastrami. It’s always worth it.
Just up 3rd Street from Katzinger’s is Pistacia Vera, one the most acclaimed pastry shop in town. Decorated in a sleek, modernist style (although the building itself is brick,) Pistacia Vera specializes in traditional Parisian macarons—note the single “o.” Just barely crisp on the outside, the teeth immediately breaks through to the thick, unctuous centers of the Oreo’d-together cookies, finding at their center a layer of rich pastry cream, ranging in flavor from pistachio (as one might guess) to (inevitably) Buckeye.
Juergen’s German Bakery
More in the customary German (brick) style of the village itself, Juergen’s offers homemade German baked goods (pretzels, strudel, kuchen), as well as a full menu of homemade German meals like Schnitzel (a flattened and breaded and fried pork or veal cutlet,) Sauerbraten (a sweet and sour beef roast,) and, of course, bratwurst. Furthermore, Juergen’s offers a wide variety of imports from Germany, including a large selection of German wines and beers.
Lindey’s Restaurant and Bar
Lindey’s is a legend—a long-time favorite for informed locals and a tourist destination for out-of-towners. This is special occasion food—filet mignon, crab cakes, tuna tartar, and yes, enough ritzy wine to break even your parents’ bank. If you are trying to excite your Tinder date with some high-class nosh, then leave that Applebee’s gift card at home. Just because you are in college doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be fancy. Pinkies up, bitches.