Pineapple belonging on pizza has the same feeling as saying Boss Baby is an Oscar nominated film—it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Listen, I don’t want to be that human trash bag at a wedding who was asked to give a speech, and then got too wasted to think of anything original to say other than, “Merriam-Webster dictionary describes love as…” BUT Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes pizza as, “a dish made of flattened bread dough topped usually with tomato sauce and cheese and often meat and vegetables and baked.”
There’s no reason a fruit, least of all pineapple, should ever be put on pizza. What, like, it’s healthier because you’re adding fruit? If you’re looking for a healthy option, eat a salad but if you’re going to eat a cheesy, grease filled slice of pizza don’t operate under the false façade of being healthier. That’s like staring straight in a McDonald worker’s eyes and ordering a Big Mac with a side of sliced apples because you’re on a diet and watching what you eat. The apples aren’t going to unclog your arteries, but it will 100% ruin the taste.
“… if you’re going to eat a cheesy, grease filled slice of pizza don’t operate under the false facade of being healthier.”
Finally and most simply, pineapple on pizza tastes like soggy bread fermented in Natural Light that was spiked with 10 orange flavored Pixie sticks. Pineapple has loads and loads of sugar, so instead of putting pineapple on your pizza why don’t you just unload 10 packets of Splenda on your slice of Sicilia’s and then call me to tell me how you like it (this also goes back to pineapple is “healthy” argument, sorry to beat a dead horse). That stingingly sweet and sour aftertaste of pineapples—you know the one where your mouth actually starts to hurt when eating too many pineapples-—goes great with the popular food dish, SWEET and SOUR chicken, but it desecrates the sanctity of a delicious piece of “flattened bread dough topped usually with tomato sauce and cheese and often MEAT and VEGETABLES” and that’s all!
Pineapple On Pizza:
Until college, I never knew this was a controversial issue. Pineapple on pizza is just a normal thing, my high school friends and I would order it all the time, no issue. However, come my second-year in college, I decide to share a very tasty-looking pizza on Twitter, and all of a sudden, I am attacked for my love for pineapple pizza. So many people called me crazy, disgusting, immature, weird, and all sorts of names. It was at that moment, when I knew I had to become to number one pineapple pizza ambassador. It has thus consumed my life.
How could pineapple not belong on pizza? It is so tasty and is the perfect blend on foods together. Everyone loves pineapple, and everyone loves pizza (if you’re a sane human). When asked to describe what pineapple pizza tastes like, I bring up the famous scene from the movie Ratatouille.
As Remy says, “combine one flavor with another, and something new was created.” An explosion of taste, bringing in the sweetness of pineapple, with the opposing taste of pizza, creating a perfect blend of flavors.
“How could pineapple not belong on pizza? It is so tasty and is the perfect blend on foods together.”
From my endeavors and plentiful interactions with pineapple pizza haters, the majority of opposers haven’t even TRIED pineapple pizza! Yes, fruit on pizza might not sound appetizing without trying it, but pineapple is the perfect fruit to blend with pizza, because they grill so well. You can’t hate on it without trying it first! How would we have such great universally- accepted combinations such as chicken and waffles, if we never tried what didn’t seem to go together at first look!?
I’m not alone in my opinions, either. As the President of OUAB for the previous school year, I have had the outstanding opportunity to meet a wide assortment of celebrities and impactful figures in the world. I had the great idea to pick their brains about this topic, and end this once and for all. I asked people from Leslie Odom Jr, to Nasim Pedrad, to Rupi Kaur if they like pineapple pizza. Although we did have some of them that gave me such disgusted looks, including Joel McHale, who told me I was outrageous and should never have an opinion on food again, we did have the majority of talent agree pineapple belongs on pizza.
So, there you have it. Pineapple conclusively belongs on pizza. Try it before you hate on it, because I assure you, if you have any semblance of taste buds, you will enjoy the experience, even if it doesn’t seem like the best idea.