1870 Mag

Five Ways to Haze Your Interns

After making them endure a long, tedious interviewing process unknowing that they are the only candidate who applied, it is time to haze that one intern in the office that has done absolutely nothing wrong but you all hate anyways. While there are several ways to bully people, all of which you probably learned from years of being the chubby kid in middle school, the more traditional routes of bullying won’t work for a recent college grad. As if you need any more to do at you job, now you must find alternative ways to make sure this dweeb doesn’t end up wanting a job at your company. Here are some ways to help.

Top 5 ways to haze your interns:

  1. Teach them the “ritual dance” one has to do before walking into the office and tell them it is part of company culture. They’ll have no idea that this weird, borderline mating call routine is not something every employee does prior to entering a formal business building.
  2. Tell them that the third Wednesday of every month is pajama day. If you really want to fuck with their ability to make friends within the company, take time to insure that somewhere along the third week of their internship, they make a huge fucking mistake that makes everyone think ‘wow they should have known better.’
  3. If their desk is right beside yours, softly play Carly Rae Jepson music for at least an hour a day, but act like nothing is happening.
  4. Have them pick up 4 espresso drinks from hipster coffee places that you know only gives out mugs. Are they loyal enough to the company to steal the mugs or do they have the courage to ask aggressive hipsters for to-go cups?
  5. At the start of the second month, call them a different name and continue to do so until the end of their internship.

 

If all else fails, have solace in knowing that paying for an “internship” class to not get paid for that internship may be hazing enough.

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can’t I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here

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