1. Hide your new tattoo
She is going to find out at some point, but it doesn’t have to be today.
2. Kill your hangover
Rub those x’s off of your hands and act like you don’t feel like the world is spinning.
3. Cover up your hickey
Your dear mother does not need to know about your Tinder date, and she definitely does not need to see the evidence either.
4. Hide your weed
Your sweet mom also does not need to know that you and your roommates have been getting high all semester. Get some Ozium up in there.
5. Remember that you can’t say “fuck” every other sentence
Don’t say it. At all. Not one mother fucking time.
Buy her some flowers, put on a smile and pretend for at least a day that you are still her perfect angel she sent off to college.