1870 Mag

Five Get-Rich-Quick Schemes (Just in case you can’t make it through finals week)

Even if you’ve had a great semester staying on top of your coursework, turning in assignments on time, and killing those midterms, finals week can still be terrible. Sometimes, you’ve got a shitty cumulative exam that covers everythingincluding that stuff from the beginning of the semester when you didn’t come to class because it was too cold. Sometimes, it’s a research paper that you feel like will never be good enough no matter how many peer-reviewed sources you read (we know you just look through the abstract, it’s okay). Whatever it is, finals week feels like the worst time of the semester for the many students who have giant projects, papers and exams that can determine if they pass or fail a class.

And sometimes it’s just too much. Looking for some get-rich-quick schemes so you can leave college forever, coast on the money and disappear to an island in the Caribbean? We got you.

5) Start a podcast

Everyone has a podcast. This is an undeniable truth. If you like to talk and you feel like people want to hear you talk, start a podcast. It’s a longer scheme than the rest (you have to wait for someone to discover it who’s willing to advertise or something like that), but there are ways to speed that up. For example, try being needlessly controversial. Create all the straw men you can think of, go scorched earth on the whole institution and leave no survivors. Become the Alex Jones of food talk radio or of video game releases. If you’re crazy enough, people will come.

Also, you’ve got an endless trough of content as a student. You can talk about Ohio State sports or the worst experiences with professors you’ve ever had or college hookup stories or anything! You could even do a podcast telling students how to get rich if they drop out during finals week. Wait a second… let me call my editor right quick.

4) Sell fancy bottled water

Yes, there are roughly 100 different varieties of bottled water every time you step into a grocery store. Yes, you’ll still probably pick the one that has the coolest looking bottle. So, why hasn’t anyone taken advantage of this more? Here’s the exact blueprint you need: (1) acquire a large water purifier. (2) Design a badass bottle if you wanted to go all in on the Ohio State audience, make the bottle shaped like a Block O. (3) Create lots of relationships within the bottled water industry, get a water executive (do those exist?) to give you a chance, make sure he likes your water, talk him into partnering with you and stocking the bottles in grocery stores near campus, then nationwide. (4) Profit. Simple, right?

3) Become the plug

If you’ve ever even been tangentially interested in sneaker culture, you know there is a lot of money to be made for people who are willing to stand in lines overnight for a release and flip the shoes they buy to the highest bidder. Not only is there money to be made, though, think about the clout. After you sell your sneakers to DJ Khaled, use the money to buy your own and flex on Instagram (don’t forget those #kotd hashtags). Build up your followers, continue to nurture your relationship with DJ Khaled, become best friends with Asahd, and get named an executive producer on his next album You could become Drake’s best friend and run duos with him in Fortnite! All by standing outside your closest footlocker overnight waiting on that next pair of J’s!

2) Win Chopped

I don’t know what it is about Food Network programming, but they have got something special over there. There is just something mesmerizing about watching people cook, and Chopped is the ultimate food-television experience. If you’re a sports fan, it’s got competition that is more intense than some recent Super Bowls. If you’re a big celebrity follower, they’ve got celebrity episodes occasionally. And, keep in mind, the winner of the Chopped competition gets $10,000. While that might be chump change compared to the money in the no. 1 option, $10,000 all at once could help you make ends meet while you discuss your future as a Food Network star and dominate food-related programming for decades.

1) Run for President

If you run a quick Google search, you’ll learn the President of the United States makes over $400,000 per year. Do you know what I could do with that? I could start a bottled water company, fund my podcast…

Comments

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    The Giveaway

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    OSU Crush
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    Cute blonde girl who was at Canes on high tonight, you’re a dime

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    OSU Crush
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    Thank you to the guy at the Union who came over to let us pet your puppy, after we stared at you for 5 minutes. Hig… t.co/zEFmRsFDs9

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    OSU Crush
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    the hot guy holding the GRIND flag at the Involvement Fair… I’d date him

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    OSU Crush
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    The freshmen who have realistic expectations and know college is going to beat the shit out of them

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    OSU Crush
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    Any radical gals wanna listen to some Bowling For Soup and get blitzed off Kamchatka in a sewer pipe? hmu.

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