Revamp High St.
I don’t understand all of the fuss about Campus Partners closing down the bars, restaurants, and bookstores on High Street. They’re just making room to build what we really need on campus: condos, offices, and Targets. In fact, I applaud them for banishing those old, dilapidated hellholes from our famously clean High Street. Might I suggest they next point their grubby claws toward some of the remaining bars, where the original flooring has been replaced by an inch of grime comprised of expensive-cheap beer, sorority tears, and urine?
Look at it this way, Ohio State: this gentrification makes us an elite school. Do you think they have dive bars adjacent to campus at Yale? No way. They spend their weekends studying and crying and doing taxes probably. That’s what we need more of. Let our students find other ways to cope with their anxiety and other crippling self-doubts.
Personally, one of my favorite pastimes is impulse buying luxury apartments. As a financially stable college student who has more than $1,000 dollars to spend per month just on rent, I think it’s a hobby that everyone should try out. Hey, maybe enough people will enjoy it that we can start a student organization or a club sport. We can even make T-shirts.
“Look at it this way, Ohio State: this gentrification makes us an elite school. Do you think they have dive bars adjacent to campus at Yale? No way. They spend their weekends studying and crying and doing taxes probably.”
I recommend that Campus Partners shut down the remaining attractions on High Street immediately. As soon as possible is preferable. Just knock them all down in the same day. Live stream the process for donations so we can start funding our next Target. I know I’ll chip in.
–Boring Richstudent, STEM Major
Save High St.
Don’t listen to Mr. Richstudent, because unlike him, I actually enjoy fun and happiness. Ohio State needs to maintain the existing nightlife on High Street. First and foremost, my fake ID will not work in the Short North—then what will I do on the weekends? Go see one of Ohio State’s 500 comedy groups perform? Yeah right. Sure, maybe some of those places were kind of gross, but that’s what gave them character. I mean, where else on campus can you just piss on the floor?
“If you continue to tear down the only places a gentleman frat guy like me feels at home, my brothers and I will get drunk in our mansion, hop the fences on the Oval, and shit everywhere. And that’s a promise.”
Ohio State, I now speak directly to you. You’ve already taken so much away from us. Those bars hold memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Okay, I technically don’t remember them right now because I drink until I black out every weekend, but someday I’ll be able to piece the nights back together Hangover-style and they’re gonna be great, I’m sure. If you continue to tear down the only places a gentleman frat guy like me feels at home, my brothers and I will get drunk in our mansion, hop the fences on the Oval, and shit everywhere. And that’s a promise.
I trust you’ll do the right thing, Ohio State. I hope that years in the future I will be able to emerge from my mancave and take my son, Chad Junior, back to High Street and show him where his old man contracted his first STD. I’ll teach him how to shotgun a Natty Light and then, when he crushes it, present him with his first pair of salmon-colored shorts.
–Chad Berries, Delta Tau Chi Historian
*This is a satirical article written by the comedic minds at The Sundial.