1870 Mag

An Ugly Quest

Taking in Two Bucks until Ugly Hour returns.

As campus bars continue to close, one stands above the rest in the void its left in our hearts and livers. Ugly Tuna and its famed Ugly Hour had long been the reprerive of students looking for a way to get lit without getting broke. With dollar wells, and $2.50 domestics, Ugly Tuna was a defacto spot to begin a night out with friends. As football season comes to a start, and the reality of the latest wave of campus closings hit, many students and myself are left wondering what’s left to replace it.

Prophecies of old tell of a bar where shots can be had for less than an espresso. An oasis with two for $2 Natty’s abound, and non-wells liquor are consumed for a cool $3.50. For much of history, its location was unknown. But, with the destruction of Ugly Hour, rises the chance for a new and perhaps better looking bar to come and sweep us off our drunk feet.

As Friday night began, I found myself adrift on High Street. The sound of Mr.Brightside echoed in the distance as I made my way up Chittenden. At this time, the location of the bar remained a mystery to me; it was still merely a mirage seen in the heat of the summer as I walked home in a drunken stupor after a long night of karaoke at Fourth Street. As I closed in on the corner of Summit and Chittenden, I saw a sight so magnificent I nearly toppled over in amazement.

“Happy Hour, Every Hour.”

Sure, I prefer my hours ugly, but those days are in limbo for now.

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Rising from the ashes of Rooks comes a new champion of cheap booze and grub to exist in Ugly’s stead. Two Bucks, a local chain of sports bar style restaurants from Cleveland, Ohio, aims to be the first, and possibly only stop of a night out.

Menu items boast deals like $2 Jameson as well as an 88 oz. power tower of domestic beer priced at $12. Everything at the bar is priced at the some of the lowest you’ll find on campus (or in Columbus for that matter), and as the name suggests, there is a wealth of $2 items from liquor and cocktails to any domestics on tap. During my visit, I went with the $2 Jim Beam. It shows I have the slightest bit of maturity and sophistication, but not a single bit of disposable income.

Photo by Julian Foglietti.

And just like any night out on campus, all that drinking stirred up an appetite. The familiar joints come to mind like grabbing a slice from one of the seemingly infinite options available, or popping to High St. to find the nearest gyro cart, but unlike Ugly Hour, I don’t have to leave my bar to stuff my face.

Two Bucks has smoked bowls—not like the ones your stingy and stoned roommate always leaves laying around the living room. I mean smoked bowls as in something similar to ramen noodles, but on steroids. It features meats and vegetables that have been all smoked in house. Your most expensive option, smoked salmon, will only run you $9 while the vegetarian alternative, smoked cauliflower, is only $7.

But getting drunk and eating soup is challenging at times. Maybe something easier to devour is called for. The Wake n’ Bake keeps things in the stoner department, and with no option over $8.50, I still have plenty of drinking money. It’s every drunk person’s favorite food—mac’n’cheese—topped with smoked gouda, jalapeno, tater tots, bacon, a fried egg, and cheddar cheese. It’s a carb heavy dream ideal for when I realize I’m four shots deep and havent even spent $10 on booze yet.

However, if your hoping you can get the food to match their liquor prices, Two Bucks also features a list of $2 snacks to get you through the last couple of rounds you hadn’t planned on drinking. Options like the smoked chicken sliders will probably be your first choice, but who doesn’t want some cheap as hell deep fried dill pickles and ranch? Ranch it up, bro!

Though our campus is in constant change, and longtime favorites continue to disappear, new spots like Two Bucks are sure to fill the void left by so many closings. Or at the very least, we can all sit around an unfamiliar spot and tell familiar tales of “that one night!” at Ugly hour. •

Two Bucks is located on 195 Chittenden Ave. To check out Two Bucks’ menu prices and hours, check out twobucks.us.

Correction: Turns out Jameson is only $2, not $3.50. This is what we call a happy mistake.

Julian Foglietti

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