1870 Mag

Adult Couple Hides Nice Shit from Arts Fest From Savage Children

Being an adult in Columbus Ohio can be taxing sometimes with so much great art stretching from the Short North into smaller cities surrounding the Columbus area. Particularly, this weekend proved difficult for adults as they restrained themselves from buying multiple unnecessary marble fruit bowls, wooden salad bowls, large paintings of someone else’s family and sculptures of exotic animals.


Some resisted temptation, resorting to only eating artsy food to support the cause, but, for others, it was a much harder fight with which they lost entirely.


“I came with a literal $35 in cash to buy my wife a cool bracelet and left the festival with 5 new bowls, 4 plates, organic margarita mix, 3 types of salsa, a painting of Obama’s daughters and a vintage ACDC poster because turns out every place accepts cards now and I have no self control,” Brent Dawnson, father of 2 college-aged daughters and resident of Upper Arlington, Ohio said.


Despite the overspending, Dawnson said he was happy with his purchases until he realized that his savage college daughters may try to hold his goodies captive when going to college.


“My wife and I got home and realized that our swine children are selfish and are probably trying to steal from us,” Dawnson said. “We had to act quick, they couldn’t take yet another thing from us to be used at college.”


Dawnson said the couple found places college students wouldn’t dare enter to hide their goods including the laundry room, garage, grill and cabinet that has pans and other real cooking supplies.


“They don’t eat anything that requires energy to cook so we thought a lot of places in the kitchen would be safe from them, and they sure as hell don’t do their laundry so that’s also safe,” Dawnson said.

Olivia Balcerzak

Olivia Balcerzak

why can't I put the entire lyrics of bohemian rhapsody in here


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