The fourth of July is a time to celebrate our country by drinking and eating a lot using patriotism as an excuse for all actions. However, not all of us are invited to the party/lies taking place across Columbus, and are therefore forced to do other shit like cry in our parent’s basement or voluntarily work on the holiday without getting time and a half.
To escape the pain of loneliness—if it’s only for one day of the year—here are 5 things you can do during the holiday, even without friends.
- Go to Boom alone and pretend like you’re in a constant state of looking for your group of friends (you aren’t technically lying)
- Watch the fireworks from a seemingly vacant household’s front yard and pretend like it’s yours BYOB
- On the morning of the Fourth, drive around with a blow-horn waking people’s asses up because everyone loves that person
- On the day of the Fourth, try going to front yard parties even if you weren’t invited, because chances are the owners think you know one of their kids and feel too awkward to ask. If they do ask, the response is always “Wait, you don’t remember me?”
- Participate in the Doodah Parade: they will accept you